If you want to take back control of your life, try this
OK, perhaps your husband has been diagnosed with a mental disorder, let’s say for argument’s sake, it is Bipolar Affective Disorder. The diagnosis came some years back. When you guys met, you both were full of dreams, hopes and aspirations. You both had everything to live for. He was a trainee accountant whilst you were trying to get into law. This was all before the diagnosis.
Fast forward a few years, he is still a trainee. He has not qualified largely due to the unpredictability of the disease. Meanwhile, you have gone further along in your career. You have a feisty 11 year old daughter. You are feeling overwhelmed by the demands of being a wife, caregiver(!), mother and also a lady with dreams. You feel you are losing control of your life.
In this post, I will share with you how to take back control of your life when your life seems to be taking control of you.
I sometimes felt like more of a caregiver than a wife to my lovely Chuck. We have been married 9 years now but the first four years was pretty hard going at times.
This is because Chuck had been given a ‘heavy’ unwelcomed diagnosis of Schizophrenia. Before I had met him, he had already lived 14 years in the mental health system so I was not blind nor stupid when I took my vows! I not just understood, I comprehended what I was doing when I was signing the wedding certificate.
Today though, Chuck and I share our story of defying the odds at events and conferences. We have won a few awards too for our advocacy work. I am telling you this so you can see that if we got through and won in those tough years, it is possible for you.
As a caregiver spouse, your voice is often unheard. It is a resented title that…caregiver even though no one refers to you as such. But you want to feel like a SPOUSE.
Here’s how to take control back of your life
##1 Identify/Acknowledge what is controlling your life
Sometimes we can easily be in denial about the challenges and demands we face. We give the world a sunshine while the storm is raging inside.
You may want to journal your thoughts, what difficulties you are facing in your multi role. Until you do, you may never know how much or little you have to deal with. Acknowledging that there is a lot on and processing the thoughts enables you to see how much you have taken on. You may discover it is not as bad as you think, which may be an instant medicine/relief for you. It may that you have surprised yourself with just how much you do and therefore know there are some steps that now need to be done.
##2 What things are really necessary?
You will find out after writing some of the things that are controlling your life, that what you thought was controlling you was not actually that. You will find that you have added other peripherals and this is what is making your feel the way you do.
In this step ask yourself how important are all the things you are doing right now? What is the worst that can happen if they are not done or if they are not done now? Your daughter for example, is only going to be 11 once. Can some things be put on hold while you help her through her pre-teen years?
Here are some questions to consider:
- How much are you ready to sacrifice now?
- How much are you ready to let go off without feeling resentful?
- How much commitments can you cut back now?
- What are the ‘peripherals’?
Sometimes less is more. Classify the list you drew up in (1) above.
The list may contain 4 columns. a) Absolutely necessary. b) Necessary but not now. c) Would be nice d) Not necessary
Work on a) and b) for the now while you take back control of your life
##3 What drives you to do the things you do?
Here are some further questions:
- How much of what you do is about people pleasing?
- How much approval are you seeking from others?
- Are you actually in competition with your friends?
- Are you doing some things just because others are doing them?
- How much of what you do comes from being manipulated?
You must be driven by a purpose and a divine destiny for you and your family for this life, not by the agendas of others.
Is the reason why you want to be a top solicitor to prove to your uncle that you actually made it in life? Be a solicitor for the right reason. Are you pushing your husband further along his career path to silence the disapproval from your parents? Revisit why you do some of what you do.
##4 Find ways to simplify your life (There is always a way)
Sometimes there are just a few simple things that can be added to your life that make all the difference. It could be buying a dishwasher to help with the dishes. It could be getting a house helper that may come in once a week or even once a month to help with the ironing and giving the house a thorough clean.
Perhaps you find you are very particular. You can’t stand a dirty mug being left on the coffee table in the living room. Train yourself to overlook some of these nitty gritty things. (I did). One dirty mug is not going to spoil the look of your lovely home. In any case, it is controlling your life! Yes it is necessary to wash up but does it have to be now? Put that is list (b), at least for the next few hours, or overnight!
Another example is this one. How can you help your daughter with her homework after you have just spent 9 hours in the office, while your husband is telling you he is not feeling too good? Perhaps get her to join a homework club or start one. Or encourage her to do some peer learning where she invites one of her friends (who you know is doing well!) to come over once a week and they can study together. Or pay for private tuition. (You probably beginning to think taking control of your life involves spending more money. What is more important, feeling less stressed or spending a wee bit more to get your life back? You got to be honest).
You can then go over what your daughter has done in the club or tuition afterwards so as not to deprive that snatched bonding time. But instead of spending one highly strung hour, this is now 15 relaxed minutes. You will feel less stressed out, she would not have a snappy mother to deal with. Think how the whole home atmosphere will be a lot more relaxed
##5 Delegate (Someone will always do it)
Sometimes we think no one is as good or can do a particular job as well as we do. That only adds to what is controlling our lives. Your priority is to make the best of your life with your husband and enjoy your daughter while she is growing up. Share some of the chores. Ask your daughter to put the dishes in the dishwasher. Ask your husband to help with putting the garbage out. The reason why you are doing it all, is because you are afraid of asking. Because you think they will say no or think they will not to do it.
Learn to trust people. Trust your daughter. Give a chance. If she does not do it one week, she may do it the next. Just keeping asking. One day, she will say yes!
##6 Educate yourself
Why wash the ‘delicates’ by hand when there is a hand wash option on your washing machine! Read the manual. Check all the capabilities of all your gadgets and use them to simplify your life. Sometimes we are doing things in long and complex ways when there are easy shortcuts. We are living in the Information Age where there is so much you can get from social media, from the internet, more than you could have got spending months in a library. Ask friends how they do certain things you are challenged with.
##7 Always make time to eat, rest and play
No matter the demands of life, you need rest and quality sleep. Find ways to relax. When scheduling your day ALWAYS add a timeslot for rest. ALWAYS. Eat well. If you find you are not getting the right nutrients, I am an advocate of vitamins and supplements. Add them! Have at least one hobby. You need to take your mind off schedules, plans and work. It could be a simple hobby as a half hour walk every other day. JUST DO IT!
I know you are going to feel more in control of your life after reading these tips. However, if you are reading this and still feel you have had more than enough, why not click the Mental Health Support menu button above. We can see how we can help or point you in the right direction without obligation. You can also check out my story in the book Defying the Odds by Zoe A. Onah. The book is available on Amazon.
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