FIVE toxic phrases you should avoid saying to your kids at mealtimes
By Fiona Yassin
Eating disorders are rarely about the food itself. More often than not, the root cause is an untreated or unresolved trauma.
However, there are some phrases that parents and carers tend to use by way of habit that can be more damaging than anyone intends. They can lead young people to develop unhealthy behaviours with food, or even exacerbate the early stages of an eating disorder.
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Family psychotherapist Fiona Yassin of The Wave Clinic has shared five potentially harmful everyday phrases and explains why parents and caregivers should avoid saying them:
- “Eat it up or you won’t grow big and strong”
Introducing consequences into mealtimes can lead to your child developing an unhealthy habit with food. By implying the optimum goal of eating is to “grow big and strong” you are reinforcing a message that food has only one purpose. Therefore children may believe food is not there to be enjoyed. In addition, this sentiment may cause a child to feel a sense of failure if they do not eat everything on their plate. Likewise the word ‘big’ can be triggering for some, whilst the word ‘strong’ has male connotations and may well further emphasise the outdated (and invalid) assumption that boys are strong, and girls are weak. - “Clean your plate” or “Just one more bite”
It’s important for parents to teach their kids to eat until they are satisfied, not until their plates are empty. The idea is to encourage kids to acknowledge and respect the satisfying feeling of being full. If you ask a child or young person to finish all their food, you are asking them to ignore and eat beyond the feeling of fullness. If you force your child to eat more, you’re forcing them to ignore their natural brain receptors and overeat. Let your child listen to their natural cues so they don’t offset their own body rhythm.
- “Your mum won’t eat carrots”
Parents’ food preferences can have powerful effects on those of children, not least because parents are ‘gatekeepers’ of their children’s eating. As models in a child’s life, parents provide examples of behaviours to follow. A child who experiences a parent modelling behaviour towards food, such as a distaste or aversion to vegetables, may learn that this behaviour is normal.
Up to about the age of 12, you have control over your child’s environment, so it’s important to be a good role model for eating, which means eating well and letting them see you eating well.
It also means highlighting the joy of food and reminding children that it’s a time to come together as a family.
- “If you eat your vegetables you can have pudding”
Regularly using this type of language – where sweet food is a treat or reward – will build up a script in your child’s head where healthy food is boring and sweet foods are good and a useful way to manage emotions. It is no surprise that many adults come to resent healthy eating and turn to cake and not carrot sticks when they feel low.
Ensure to give healthy desserts regardless of whether meals have been eaten or not. This removes the association of earning dessert from eating food they may not like or want. - “You’re such a picky eater”
The word picky is loaded with negative connotations. Telling your child, or telling someone else in front of your child that they are a picky eater, is identity-shaping talk. Labelling your child not only risks them limiting how they see themselves but it could also trigger that child to adopt that identity.
Yassin, who has extensive experience in the treatment of eating disorders explains: “From a very young age, children look up to their parents and mimic many of their words and actions subconsciously. Of course, parents and carers do not mean to harm their children in their everyday words, but it is important to acknowledge the impact words and actions can have on a child. They may have a negative impact on their behaviour, confidence and identity as they grow into adolescence.”
Warning signs of eating disorders in young people and children
More young people than ever before are receiving treatment for eating disorders (NHS).
Yassin, shares some of the warning signs and the behaviours parents and carers can look out for:
“Look out for behavioural changes in your child’s eating habits such as eating a restricted range of foods, introducing rules around what type of foods they eat and how they eat them, or speaking negatively about their weight and appearance. Other signs include feeling guilty after eating, social withdrawal particularly around eating times and for older children, a preoccupation with checking calorie or other ingredient content in food.”
“Eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorders are also obsessive and compulsive disorders and are often accompanied by rituals. For instance, you may see a child chew their food a number of times or perhaps eat their food in a particular colour order on their plate. There is a connection between the two diagnoses and some commonality in symptoms, too. Look out for these signs.”
“Children and young people can develop problems with food for a variety of reasons. It can start as a coping mechanism or as a tactic to feel in control. The concern is that these smaller habits could lead to them introducing more prohibiting patterns of eating and extreme behaviours.
“Eating disorders are sadly a wildly stigmatised illness. They are often viewed as a phase that a child will grow out of, instead of a complex and dangerous mental illness. It’s a stigma that can delay or prevent a child receiving the care and treatment they need.”
What parents and caregivers can do if their child is showing signs of eating problems or an eating disorder
For parents or caregivers who are worried their child is showing signs of an eating disorder, Yassin suggests: “Encourage your child to talk to you about how they feel. Remember no child ever caught an eating disorder just from talking about it. Accept they may find it more comfortable to talk to someone else they trust like another family member or doctor. Listen to them without judgement and avoid language which is dismissive or critical of them. Likewise avoid talking to them about this around the dinner table.
“Give them reassurance that you are there to help them and plan to do positive activities that may help break the cycle of negative thinking. Above all else, seek the advice and guidance of specialists. Don’t delay if you see signs of deterioration or is your child has additional symptoms such as suicidal thoughts or self harming.”
What’s caused the rise in eating disorders in the UK?
Inpatient hospital admissions in England for eating disorders have increased by 84% in the last five years, according to the Royal College of Psychiatrists. Children and young people are the worst affected, with a 90% jump.
Yassin explains why this could be: “Young people faced a unique set of pressures during the Covid-19 pandemic. As well as the lack of structure, isolation and heightened anxiety, they also faced unhealthy discourse from social media.
“Social media is a rich source of symbolic models and is a powerful transmitter of cultural ideals about body shape and size. It can be dangerous for children to identify with those who overwhelmingly conform to an ideal body shape. It may motivate them to behave in ways that help them to achieve a perceived ideal, such as dieting or extreme exercise. Worryingly, some hashtags related to eating disorder topics have tens of millions of views.
“Adolescent patients have told me they have seen posts that explicitly promote eating disorders and have been part of forums where they share their weight loss and encourage others to fast and diet.”
If you are worried about your child’s behaviour around food or are concerned they may have an eating disorder, seek the help of a medical professional immediately.
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Author Bio
Fiona Yassin is the founder and clinical director at The Wave Clinic. She is a U.K. and International registered Psychotherapist and Accredited Clinical Supervisor (U.K. and UNCG). Fiona is EMDR trained (EMDRIA) and practicing Trauma therapist. Fiona is a member of the International Chapter of IAEDP, trained in CBTe (Oxford Group), FREED (King’s College, London), MBT (Anna Freud, London), RO-DBT, GPM and has extensive experience in the treatment of Eating Disorders and Borderline Personality Disorder. Fiona has further specialist training in the treatment of families. Fiona is currently studying Msc Neuroscience at The Institute of Psychiatry, Psychology and Neuroscience, Kings College, London. Fiona is a Fellow of APPCH, a senior accredited Addiction Professional and member of The Association of Child Protection Professionals.
The Wave Clinic is a specialist in trauma treatment, eating disorders, mental health and addiction treatment for teenagers, young adults and families.
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