8 Steps to Supporting Survivors of Abuse [Part 2 of 2]
From PMAC
Last time we spoke of the first 3 steps in supporting survivors of Abuse.
And now, the conclusion.
#4 Believe
Believe them. No matter how hard this is for you to do. Even if the truth is so painful that you don’t want to believe it. They didn’t want or ask to be abused. For survivors one of the biggest barriers to disclosure is the fear of not being believed. “I believe you” is one of the most important phrases a survivor can hear.
Tell the survivor that you believe them. They may need reassurance, and you may need to tell them a number of times and on different occasions that you believe them. Though the power of reiterating this message cannot be underestimated.
#5 Empower
Respect the survivor’s decisions, even the “bad” ones. You may worry about the survivors chosen method of coping, and may fear that this is harmful to them. However, in the wake of the abuse that they have survived, the thing that they are doing may well be the thing that is saving them.
Try not to judge. You may have strong opinions about their need to access support, or to report what happened to the Police. However, if the survivor is not ready to do this then it is imperative that their decision be respected. It is essential that survivors of abuse feel in control.
Respect their decisions, but still empower them at the same time. Let them know that they have options. And that they are allowed to change their minds. Tell them that you believe in them. And that they can and will get through this. See the strength in them that they may not yet see themselves.
#6 Be Patient
It may take survivors a long time to feel able to be honest with you about how they are feeling. They may struggle to find the words, or to voice them. It may take them time to come to decisions. Even decisions that may to you appear small or insignificant.
Try to be patient, and give the survivor the time and the space that they need. Respecting this will reassure them that you care, that you want the best for them, and that you aren’t going anywhere. It demonstrates that you have only their best interests at heart.
#7 Ask How You can help
There are likely to be times that you may feel out of your depth and unsure what to do for the best. You may not know what to say, or to suggest. The survivor you are supporting may suffer a panic attack or a flashback. And you may feel overwhelmed, stressed and out of your depth.
Instead of panicking and acting out of desperation, take a moment and simply ask – what you can to do be there for them. Ask the survivor what they need, and what might help. Do not take it personally if they need time or space, or if they communicate to you that something that you are doing is not helpful. What matters is that you care enough to ask, because you want to get it right.
The survivor is the expert of their own experience, and they may well know what they need and what may help, but not feel able to communicate this to you. They may worry about the impact that this will have on you, and may be worried about causing you upset or offence. Asking demonstrates to the survivor that you will not be phased by what they say and you are taking responsibility for your emotions
regardless of their response. You simply want to do your best to help.
#8 Take time for yourself
Supporting a survivor can be very emotionally draining. Particularly because you care so much and want so desperately to take their pain away and to make things better. This secondary trauma of witnessing their pain can be devastating. On top of which there are likely to be times that you do get things wrong.
Survivors of abuse can be triggered by things that even they don’t expect, and so it is likely that there will be times that you inadvertently trigger or upset them. This can be heart-breaking for you when you know that your intentions are good, and you are doing your absolute best to help.
The survivor’s behaviour may at times be erratic; they may push you away. Not want to leave the house. Cry constantly. Have anger outbursts. Shut you out emotionally. Have mood swings. Try not to take this personally, though do allow yourself the time to be by yourself and take care of yourself and your emotions when you need to.
You cannot support someone fully if you are feeling overwhelmed or impacted. Taking the time to ground yourself will aid the both of you.
Author Bio
PMAC trainer and writer, Hayley Broughton-McKinna, has many years’ experience working in mental health and with trauma and abuse. She currently works in the criminal justice system and conducts training for PMAC. In her spare time she enjoys researching psychology and volunteering with charities.
The views and opinions expressed in this post are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect all or some of our beliefs and policy. Any links on this page does not necessarily mean they have been endorsed by Defying Mental Illness.
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