Becoming a Caregiver for a father I never Knew
By Bailey Goff
Whenever I have told this story, a lot of people really don’t understand why I did this, especially at 17.
There were too many variables that were going to make the situation turn out bad…
For instance, I didn’t know him and I was 17.
I always get didn’t you want to experience senior year better? Or weren’t you afraid to live with practically a stranger?
I’ve answered all of those with no, to be honest none of those thoughts came into my mind.
All I knew was I now have a chance with a relationship with my father and he needed me.
When I first met my father, I was warned it would be a waste of time. That he was just going to disappoint me and he was never going to be the father I dreamt of; the father that was super cool and loved being around me and shared common interests.
Meeting him, I had one very important question. “Why did you never come for me?”
His reply was “I am very sick, I have Schizophrenia and Bipolar, on top of that I’m struggling with my addiction to drugs”.
He thought that it would’ve been too time consuming and he explained he didn’t think he wouldn’t have had a chance with his track record.
He went on explaining he just needed a motivator, a real reason to give up drugs and get better with managing with his illnesses. That’s when I decided at 17 I was going to be a caregiver for my father.
I did It so I could feel the love from a father for the first time.
When I started taking care of my long-lost father, I treated his mental disorder and addictions sort of like cancer. I thought if he took medications and stayed away from the people who influenced drugs, he would be fine but I was just way over my head.
We would get up at 6:30 a.m. to make sure we could get on the bus to go to the methadone clinic so he could take his prescriptions. When we got back I would try to find something to make for breakfast.
I hardly ever could though because he lived off food stamps and social security. Usually with the combination of the two, people can get by but it always seemed like he never had money.
So we often skipped a lot of meals. We also felt very lonely because we both didn’t have friends.
My dad had to give up his friends due to most of them all being on hard drugs or always getting into legal trouble!
For me, school was very online based so there was no reason for me to leave the house. I felt isolated and alone; I had my dad but it was hard to talk to him.
As he grew closer to me, his sentences didn’t make sense and if they did, he only wanted to talk about himself, or that nobody understood him.
I learnt the hard way to never question his belief of what he was or even ask him anything, period.
Life with him was not easy. If I asked questions like about money, he would freak out. I had naively thought this would be easy because I was his daughter and that he was supposed to see that I needed him to be such; to be the father I dreamt of.
As a caregiver, I wanted to help him get clean and sort out the medications that were supposed to help with the schizophrenia.
However, I felt selfish because I felt like I couldn’t live this life anymore. I couldn’t save him; I felt I was just not enough for him.
I made the decision to let go and not continue to be a caregiver for my father. The fact is he had never tried to be a father to me either.
This broke me. To this day I think about where he is. I wonder whether he’s in pain. I also ask myself why I couldn’t save him.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the right to be happy because I was selfish and walked away…
Bio
Bailey Goff is a writer and care-giver. Passionate about the things he writes about. He loves using his writing to help people to feel inspired or not alone.
The views and opinions expressed in this post are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect all or some of our beliefs and policy. Any links on this page do not necessarily mean they have been endorsed by Defying Mental Illness.
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