Body Dysmorphic Disorder
by Rachael Silvester
Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is a condition in which many people do have. There are many people who are challenged with the effects of low self-esteem, for many different reasons and in many different situations.
Body dysmorphic disorder, I believe is when that low self-esteem becomes a crippling obsession. And it is not an obsession of vanity. It’s an obsession of perceived ugliness that can devour every part of your mind.
I was diagnosed with BDD years ago, after I went seeing a counsellor for my anxiety. Having seen several over the years, (even some of the professionals brushed it off as low-confidence and although that was a part of it), it wasn’t the root of the problem.
I have one very distinct memory from high school. I remember seating in my dad’s car at a petrol station in the morning. I flipped the visor down and looked in the mirror.
I’m not that bad, am I? I said to myself. That one little thought before 9 am on a weekday before school became a five year journey of hell.
Being called ugly for five years of your life and being humiliated on a daily basis is bound to have some affect, isn’t it? I hoped once I left high school, it would go away. But it didn’t.
Imagine a friend, or family member coming to you and telling you they felt depressed, down and so unhappy. That they were struggling to cope on a daily basis. But the day before, you saw them laughing. You would think, you can’t be depressed, you were smiling before. But you probably would not tell them that…I’d hope not.
So when I, or other people who are challenged from BDD come forward and say, I feel so disgusting, I don’t even like going out in public, the response is… but you had your picture took the other day, so you must be fine!
BDD hides inside you like depression. You could be out, having a laugh, smiling, chatting with a group of friends or your family but secretly, deep down, you’re being torn apart.
Just because someone appears happy, or appears confident, doesn’t mean that they are. It’s a front. It’s a coping mechanism and anyone who suffers from this will know exactly how that feels. But I can’t tell anyone because I get told, ‘just don’t think like that’
The one way I currently am able to manage body dysmorphic disorder, is by separating it from me. Imagine that voice in your head, the one that constantly tells you that you are ugly, disgusting, worthless, fat, and stupid, whatever it says, is just like a bad friend. If you had a friend who was always putting you down, you would avoid them. You’d no longer be friends with them. And that’s what I try to do now.
I will not let that voice win. Separating that part of you, at least for me, helps me to take hold of it. I write this blog because I know what it feels like to not being able to speak out to anybody. It’s lonely and isolated and nothing hurts more than when you do try and reach out and you are misunderstood.
The views and opinions expressed in this post are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect all or some of our beliefs and policy. Any links on this page do not necessarily mean they have been endorsed by Defying Mental Illness.
Rachael enjoys a good book and a crackling log fire. She is a keen hiker with a love for the countryside. One topic she holds close to her heart is that of mental illness, having being challenged with BDD. She hopes to bring more light on the subject and to help those who are challenged with BDD to not feel alone. And for those who don’t, to understand!
About The Author
“And it is not an obsession of vanity. It’s an obsession of perceived ugliness that can devour every part of your mind.”
I think this is the take home statement of this article. It summarises the disorder perfectly. Thank you for sharing
Thanks Judy for your valued comments. That is indeed a ‘take home statement’