Understanding the Emotions of a Caregiver Spouse

Being the caregiver to one who is challenged with any illness is draining.  With mental illness, being a caregiver is no different.  I was a caregiver spouse to Chuck, thankfully it was not a full time, round the clock affair in my case!  I had respite and ‘good days’.

I however got a lot of support and encouragement from my mom and my church which kept me keeping on.  But, in the early days especially, I had my moments when I felt strangled by the ordeal of mental illness.

Being a caregiver takes patience.   In fact when patience runs out, long-suffering!   Dealing with the unpredictability of mental illness can often feel like living on the edge of a chain saw. Being pulled on every side by the needs of your loved one versus your own life can seem unrewarding and demanding.

Being the caregiver as a spouse, is no different or easier and can be trying not only for you as an individual but also to your marriage.  Many times, thoughts of walking out may try to crowd your mind.  You find yourself playing the dual role of husband and wife in the challenging times.

I had my moments when I really wondered why life had somehow given me the short straw on this.  I threatened to pack my little pink suitcase and leave. But where could I put myself in self exile?

I loved my husband and besides I took my commitment of marriage very seriously. My fear of disappointing God was far greater than my own needs of staying on for my sanity. God said He hated divorce (Malachi 2:16), didn’t He?   Jesus has not divorced the Church yet, and is unfathomable. So walking out, let alone divorce was no option for me.

What you may feel as a Caregiver Spouse:

##1 Resentful

You may feel your life is on hold, your marriage does not seem to be going anywhere as a couple, or is being taken over by the dreadfulness of mental illness.

##2  Lonely

One of the key things in marriage is companionship.   Being a carer is in the opposite spectrum of companionship.  You certainly don’t feel like companions on the same ship—your spouse seems to be on another ship to yours. Even if the same, the ship seems to be sailing on bumpy waves.   Also, others may not be quick to understand your relentless dedication and this may make you feel isolated.   The stigma also attached to mental illness makes it difficult for carers and caregivers to open up to others hence making the isolation many times worse.

Read What happens when service fails carers

##3   Worried and Anxious

Having to deal with thoughts that seem to crowd your immaculate mind can leave you worried or anxious about the future of your marriage, the children, your finances and so on.

##4   Tired and drained

Juggling other life demands such as work, children, finance and so on can leave you feeling like a hamster on a wheel physically, emotionally and even mentally flat out!

##5  Frustrated

Life may not necessarily be moving at the pace you want it to. Your plans and visions as a couple and individually, at best, seem like a fairy tale dream that may never come true.   And if it came true, how much of a ‘happily ever after’ tag will it have..?

Maybe you are a caregiver feeling exactly these feelings.  These are not unnatural feelings.  You may feel guilt because you feel all of the above.  But don’t lose heart.  Later in the week, we will look at some tips on how we can overcome the negative emotions of a caregiver.  So stay tuned.

Till then, chin up, shoulders square.  There is light at the end of the tunnel…and trust me it is not an oncoming train!

If you know a caregiver, including a caregiver spouse, why not show your understanding and support to them, by sharing this post with other friends and family?  These friends and family can then be able to understand the caregiver spouse’s situation and support them better.

About The Author

Zoe

Zoe met Eze (Chuck) in the 14th year of what turned out to be an 18 year ‘journey’ with mental illness. They got married less than a year of meeting with Zoe fully knowing Chuck had a diagnosis of mental illness. In the 18th year, Chuck defied the odds of mental illness. A consultant psychiatrist signed him off the mental health system with a bill of NO MENTAL ILLNESS. The consultant was so amazed by Chuck’s astonishing recovery that he even questioned how Chuck was diagnosed with mental illness all those years before, in the first place! Today Chuck is free from medication, its dependency and hospitalizations. Zoe’s award nominated book, DEFYING THE ODDS, chronicles the highs and ‘lows’ of this journey. Zoe, often writing from the standpoint of a caregiver, clearly understands that mental illness does not only affect an individual challenged with the disease, but also families, marriages and society as a whole.

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