When Christmas is a painful time – Dealing with Grief
How do you get through Christmas day when everywhere you go, every sound you hear, everything you see makes you want to burst into tears? Christmas is a time when a lot of people show kindness, love and are happier than most times.
Maybe they are faced with unemployment in the new year, or something equally stressing. However, for that day and the time leading to it, many will make the effort to forget about what lies ahead and make the most of the Christmas festivities.
This is not always the case for everyone though. I have known someone who lost his brother on Christmas day. Right in the middle of eating his Christmas dinner, he got a phone call saying his brother had died. That was it for him. He walked away from the celebration and went to his room to spend time alone.
Fortunately for him, the loss of his brother on Christmas Day did not cause the future Christmases to be a time of sorrow. At least, there was no outward manifestations of it. But this is not so for everyone. For some, it can be a real tear jerking day.
When Christmas is a painful time, we need to process that pain. And then move on from the pain. We have to try not allow that pain to become a sad banner in our lives, year in year out forever.
If you notice Christmas seems to be getting earlier every year…I mean the run up and all the commercialization aspect of it. The decorations are already up by mid November and even earlier in a lot of places. Celebration continues right till after New Year’s Day. (As a Christian, I love the celebration of what Christmas is and what it represents. So I am not going to be a kill joy here). However, if you are struggling with all the joy and merriment, it could mean going a month, six weeks or more feeling down in the dumps and sad.
When someone close to me died unexpectedly, the first of everything was real hard – first birthday, first Easter and so on. The first Christmas was hard, boy! I could feel the lump at the back of my throat. Christmas Day was woohoo…how am I going to get through this day? No phone call from my loved one. No card. No present. OK I could deal with no present. But just the fact that there would be silence instead of hearing their booming laughter and best wishes…ouch…painful!
That others around you too may be processing the grief in their own way, also can be hard. They may be unusually silent or withdrawn, or any number of emotions.
Avoid conflict with those around you
Whatever the case may be, if you are with other family members, the first thing you have to do is to avoid conflict. Give each other more room and understanding. Understanding that everyone is at different stages. Encourage openness and frankness.
How you celebrate Christmas especially the first one is a personal decision. Some may wonder whether to celebrate or not. As I said, it is something you decide. However, if it has been two or three years and more, please make sure you are not feeling guilty about celebrating Christmas!! As a Christian, it is a time of celebrating the birth of Jesus. So if you are a Christian and believe your loved one is having a whale of a time in heaven, remember they would not be too pleased to see you are miserable on their account.
Starting a new tradition may help
When a loved one is no longer with us, the Christmas traditions in the family may have changed. Maybe they were the ones that played Santa Claus or Father Christmas. Or they were the ones that could whack up the best mince pies in the world.
Remember, traditions are formed by what we do regularly. If we do not move on, we are not allowing others including the younger generations to enjoy a family tradition. So it may be time to start a new tradition. It does not mean that you are already forgetting them…you know you can’t because that is why you think of them or feel a tear in the creases of your eyes!
Memory Lane can help some
I still have not looked at ‘fresh’ photos and memories yet of my loved one. The ones that were already up, are fine; for me each photo, reminds me of an event or a conversation or something, so I try to ‘avoid’ looking at any that I have not seen in a long while. But that’s me.
For you, perhaps, looking at photos may be a way of feeling close to the person. It may bring joy to you. If that is the OK, then go ahead. Enjoy the memories.
However for me, I do not find it so hard talking about them and remembering the good times. Perhaps you may find reminiscing brings about joy. Share memories with those who can. And if some can’t, remember everyone is at a different point in their journey.
Seek and receive help
Be open and honest with those you can talk to. Speak to your pastor, a friend or counselor. Let them know what is going on so that the appropriate support can be offered you. It is important you do not close yourself in and keep things bottled up. And receive help when rendered; it does not mean you are weak.
Don’t forget the children
We touched on this briefly when we said that we can form new traditions. Remember, there may be young children around you that do not understand what you are going through. Do not let them associate Christmas as a time when daddy or grandma was always sad.
Help others
There is so much power in helping others. It takes away the focus on ourselves and directs them to others. The other day I popped over to a sandwich bar where I occasionally buy sandwiches and pastries. Over the years, I always get them Christmas pressies. I was running behind in my Christmas schedule and I had momentarily thought I would pass on doing so this year.
However, I decided to do so in the end. Imagine, when I got there, the shop owner said they had been waiting for me! That over the years I was one of the very few customers who never forgot them. There was so much joy and even some emotions in his voice because of a very simple act of kindness. Imagine, how elated and upbeat I felt after.
Christmas is a time to receive love
Christmas is really about Christ in the Mass. To remember or even discover the love of Christ. If you have never accepted His love or don’t know about it, why not give it a chance today? If you can accept that God is love and that even in your pain, He can reach out and help you, you will find this painful time much less so. He said in the Bible, He has given us beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3), that He has turned our joy into dancing again (Psalm 30:11). That weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). If you want to find out more, check out our Spirituality page.
Wishing you a joyous Christmas!
If you would like us to pray for you, or if you have a question about Christianity that we may be able to answer, please contact us.
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