Eating Disorder – Soul Food Misunderstood
By Monika Beata Francisco-Ribeiro
How often do we try to satisfy our souls with temporary & deceitful ‘chocolate’ top ups? ‘Chocolate’ here, being also a metaphor for all other things that should be banned or cut down as far as our appetites are concerned.
My toxic relationship with food must have begun somewhere in my childhood. I grew up (like most right now) in a culture obsessed with images. From a young age, I continually heard, “you are a little round, and maybe should cut down on certain foods, go on a diet, and blah, blah, blah”. Eventually, I found myself totally obsessed with my shape and body image…
I vaguely remember that evil cycle of – eat, regret, put on weight, cry, go on a low intake diet, lose the weight, and then back to where it started. Each rapid weight loss was usually combined with even more rapid frustration gain, subsequently forcing me to overeat yet again. I would walk to the fridge, eat and even vomit from time to time.
Again, I would eat and regret and eat and diet and on and on and on… It became a natural part of my lifestyle… Whenever I felt frustrated or bitter, which I often did (see my post on depression), like a puppet I would be drawn towards the same evil cycle…
Have you found yourself jumping on the scales each day, getting either overly ecstatic or excessively low depending on the weight?
Have you been finding yourself spending precious minutes of your life in front of the mirror – admiring, although mainly hating your shape while trying to squeeze it into under-sized clothes that used to fit?
I see you – being the model and the audience at the same time, with your tears or joyful laughter instead of bravos. J No? Never? Oh well. I used to be that girl… I know it sounds sad, but for many years the mirror had been my greatest friend and my greatest enemy.
Was I vain? Oh yes, and miserable.
My idea of beauty was perverted by what I saw and heard around me. Slim girls were considered the most attractive and media (with my acceptance) kept bombarding my eyes with bodies tagged as ‘beautiful’, except very different than mine.
Emotionally, I used to be out of control – changing more frequently than the British weather. The more miserable I felt the more I’d eat and put on weight, and… you know the story.
We were lost. My material girlfriends & I used to fuel each other’s vanity and shared obsessions. Filling our time together with passionate discussions about our bodily “imperfections”,new diets, people with great bodies and those without.
My soul was desperately hungry for something real, but I didn’t understand the origin of that hunger.
Looking back, I know that the day when my freedom began was really the day when I became a Christian.
At first, I did not realize the significance of my spiritual birthday, but gradually I started to accept that there was a spirit inside of this body of mine. It had been dead before, but it was there – waiting for its resurrection.
As cliché as this might sound, the eyes of my mind began opening to the awareness that it was the person on the inside who was responsible for my joy.
Before, I had believed that joy was an emotional equation summarizing good looks and good ‘everything’ in the material realms of life. With God’s help however, I began to see myself differently.
At some point, a literal revolution took place in my mind. I understood, for the first time, that the real food for a human soul is that mystical, ancient yet totally current Book. It is changing my mind-set and it satisfies my soul.
Today, I definitely have a healthier attitude towards food & body image. When my emotions start sinking a little, I know to meditate on those lines like my life depends on it (it does).
When in need of an emotional top up I no longer run to the fridge, but to my spiritual storage of satisfaction. I go to the Word, which tames my appetites – not just for food, but for other destructive indulgences as well. These days, I like me differently- from the inside out, in Him.
One must differentiate between the hunger of the heart, the hunger of the soul and that of the body. Human body is an amazing machine created to be God’s temple worthy of the title. Overeating destroys its ability to perform, feel and look the part…
Being a true believer means that one has the power, on the inside, which enables you not to fall into those sweet temptations with such a bitter after-taste.
Satisfaction of a soul begins in the heart, so if you are not yet born again – choose to be, even at this very moment. Instead of running towards another emotionally draining conversation with your friends, talk to Jesus.
Ask Him to take control of your life. Become a queen, or a king of the Most High – that is who you were born to be after all.
We are uniquely made individuals and do not need anybody else’s shape, face or hair to be beautiful. The outside beauty starts with the beauty inside. Fulfillment of the soul is what we really desire – this hunger is often in disguise. I do believe that Heaven begins on Earth. However, it does not begin in the mouth, but rather it begins in the heart of a man.
About The Author
I have a long time friend who turned to religion to beat her eating disorder. This post really reminded me of her and I even saw a bit of myself in it as well. Thank you for this post it was a very beautiful read!