Exclusive Interview with Carmen Rose on Singing Verse, Speaking Prose, Eating Disorders and Recovery – 1
Carmen Rose presents Iconography - Empowering and igniting through music
Recently, Defying Mental Illness (DMI) had the pleasure of interviewing ‘the’ Carmen Rose, a lady that wears many hats. Behind her confident smile and signature red lipstick, is an enchanting lady with a very compelling story. Carmen has such an elegant poise about her; her contagious smile, makes you feel at ease with her. It almost hard to believe the incredible journey she endured to become who she is today. Carmen Rose really has a story that everyone has to read. It is one of strength and positivity against fierce opposing odds! Carmen’s story will, must, has to, inspire you…
DMI: Carmen….hmmm…it is an honor to have you with us here at DMI today. You don’t know how excited we are.
CR: No, the honor is all mine (laughs). Thank you for this interview.
DMI (rubbing hands): So Carmen, I am at the edge of my seat right now…please, can you tell us, who is Carmen Rose?
CR: My name is Carmen Rose, I sing in verse and speak in prose (laughs). I am a singer, songwriter, dancer, dance and performance coach and a creative producer…Carmen Rose is faithful, determined and lives by purpose. Yes, I am passionate about music, making people feel empowered and having them leave my performances renewed and restored.
DMI: Phew, that just sums up the interview in a nutshell (laughs)… Carmen, how long have you been singing?
CR: I have a natural talent to act, sing, dance…really…anything that is art. At the age of 6, I said If I don’t become an artist, I will be a singer. I actually wrote this down! At high school, I discovered more of my singing talent over art. Singing chose me at 11, I would say. And everything pretty much took off from there.
DMI: You know something Carmen, this is incredible. You know, the Bible says to pen down our vision. I find it amazing that a kid as young as 6 writes something so profound that ultimately becomes their destiny. Kudos to you Carmen. You pretty much knew what you wanted very early whilst some of us were playing with our dolls, huh.
OK, to some heavy stuff…You are an advocate for eating disorders. During the week even, you help people with eating disorders. How did this all come about?
CR: I came from a volatile background. My father was emotionally unstable even though he was very successful. He was a perfectionist, quite insecure, had been an orphan. Dad had a violent temper, was very untrusting of people. Albeit, he was quite the feminist and always affirmed my progression.
My mother on the other hand came from a very privileged background. Her father was a Major General in the Indian Army. Her mother was a PhD holder, had been a radio presenter that had singlehandedly brought my mum and her other siblings up after her husband (my grandfather) left. Amidst the turmoil of domestic violence mum suffered, my grandmother was meant to come to England from India… you know, she was mum’s ticket to freedom.
Unfortunately, grandma never came. She passed away. I was only 7 at the time. My parents left for the funeral and were gone for 3 weeks. During that time, I felt abandoned though I was left with relatives. The deal really was that my mother was to leave me with my father while she went to India, but my father being very controlling did not allow this to happen.
As a result of this, I started to overeat. It was my solution to numb the grave pain I felt. I became fat, lost my confidence and went from being an affirmed person to a doubter. Due to the late 80’s early 90’s work boom, my parents were extremely industrious and ambitious. I was often left with trusted childminders, however I was sneaky enough to ensure no one monitored my food. At school, I was massively bullied by peers. When I got to high school, the nightmare only got worse.
At that point I turned to bulimia. I ate a lot and purged. It was an endless cycle of eating and purging. I was 11 by this time. I was popular at high school and achieved great positions of leadership. But the depth and darkness of my emotional ill-health was way beyond the comprehension of my teenage peers.
They loved me, but they couldn’t understand that I was sweet, kind and timid. Or in their eyes… soft. I was somebody they needed to fix. They’d make jibes about things I never was conscious about such as my dusky skin tone, the fact I was attracted to boujis preppy boys; I’d articulate myself and how I was awful at maths. Silly things really…. But back then… They hurt me. One time, the leader of the pack lined us up in an order of attractiveness. I was placed last.
This perpetuated and consolidated that I was fat, ugly and stupid. If anyone else tried to present another truth to me, I couldn’t accept it from that point onwards.
By 15, I stopped throwing up… You see, the interesting thing was during this time, I was singing. Oh, I loved to sing. When singing my confidence would consume me. But due to the bulimia, I was getting acid reflux. So I had to stop. Singing was a journey to recovery as well as to discovery.
Eating disorders nearly destroyed my life…
DMI: I’ll just interrupt you here if I may…tell us a little bit more about the effects of bulimia
CR: Well, I learnt at the New ID course that food is a representation of life. How one handles their food often correlates with how they handle their life. A Bulimic’s stereotypical characteristic or personality type can be perceived as those who appear very strong, all together, the life of the party, but deep inside, cannot handle life. So to deal with life, they try to get rid of the pressures by throwing up and/or taking laxatives.
I used to be on a new fad diet, take laxatives, go to the gym twice a day AND walk 4 or 5 miles too. I also became a workaholic and at one point in my mid 20’s had 4 jobs and was working on 7 projects. I’d spread myself so thin but expect exceptional results. In turn, I had countless amount of relationships with eligible bachelors that all had commitment issues. I had 1,000’s of people around me but I’d often cry every night. I clearly did not value or love myself at all now looking back.
Eating disorders can leads on to difficult things like cutting and self harm. I was 13 when I discovered another way to unleash this inordinate amount of pain I was under. I tried to hide it. By this time, my parents were separated.
DMI: Would you say you hid what you did because in a way you were trying to protect your mum from more pain?
CR: Yes, in some ways, yes. I felt guilty because she is this wonderful person, progressing without limitations. Mum, always provided over and above. She continuously spoke life in to me and told me I was beautiful, intelligent and talented.
But, because no one else concurred her view of me… I never believed her. At the time, I did not realise that others were just projecting the feelings I had of myself on to me. However, my mother projected the truth about me on to me. I didn’t know that my identity was caught up in such lies but my mother did her very best to cut through and expound on the truth of who she saw me to be.
This paradox of light and dark brought on such guilt and I wanted to protect my mother. I wanted to protect her from me. She was working hard, doing an amazing job of giving me the best of everything. I never missed out on any opportunity and she was and still is incredible supportive of my art. My classmates, however, all knew and urged me to book an appointment with the school nurse.
In Part 2, Carmen Rose tells us her incredible journey of recovery. You can’t afford to miss it!
Join Carmen on May 21 at the Distillers at Hammersmith for her music and theater performance. It is an evening of music and empowerment.
More details at www.carmenroseempowers.com
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