Q: I am on my third engagement. After a while I have no choice but to break up the engagement with my fiancé. I want to call this one quits again as he is not right. I can’t seem to get up the aisle.
A: You have not given much information but it seems like you are worried that getting engaged and then breaking up is becoming a pattern in your life. From your question it seems like you are the one always instigating it. As I have said earlier though I wish I had more details. However, there are some questions I need you to answer for yourself and be honest in so doing.
Have you been hurt before?
Have you been hurt before in a previous relationship? Perhaps you were dating someone who you expected to marry but instead of getting engaged they only broke your heart?
If so, do you think you are safeguarding your bruised heart from more hurts? Trying to protect yourself before a so called potential broken heart recurs?
Remember, it is not fair on any potential suitor or on you. Not because you have been hurt once or even 10 times before, means you will be hurt again?
Everyone deserves a chance. Everyone is different.
If you are honest with yourself you still may be dealing with repressed anger, hurt and or disappointment. You will have to deal with these first before you can think of a successful marriage.
See your pastor, counsellor or a trusted friend that you can confide in. Forgive the one or ones who hurt you. Let it go like you would release a balloon to the sky.
Then give life a chance. You have to, else you will keep transferring the hurt to the next relationship.
Why is he not right?
Another question. Why do you feel he is not right? If he is abusive, manipulative and so on, then not just walk away, RUN!
Are there habits you cant stand? Depending on what they are of course, can they not be worked on? Some habits or issues like alcoholism, drugs, or mental or a chronic illness, you would need to talk to your pastor or counselor and let them in. Get proper counsel. And be honest with yourself if you can handle any such challenge in the marriage?
Evaluate your expectations
Also, are your expectations too high that they are unreachable? Why are they so?
I once read of someone who set such high expectations just so they would have the excuse of why they never married. i.e. all the suitors were wrong!
Is this you? Are you afraid of settling down? Do you see it as being tied down?
Assess your true feelings on your take on marriage. Be true to yourself if marriage is something you want or if you are living to someone else’s expectations.
Not everyone will get married and that does not make you abnormal. If you wish to remain single, embrace your singlehood. It means you have the grace to be that way and as I said it is perfectly OK!
What were your parent’s marriage like?
Next…How were your parent’s marriage? Did they go through a nasty divorce or perhaps you saw they were both desperately unhappy? Did they get married even?
Do you see this as your lot? Your parents’ mistakes and/or life are not yours to own. You don’t need to feel guilty about seeking happiness in marriage. You don’t need to feel that anything runs in the family, (especially if you are a Christian. You have a new life in Christ now). Whether your parents had a happy or rocky marriage, give yourself a chance.
Pre-marriage counselling is always a great idea
In all cases, whether you are starry eyed in love and can’t wait to run up the aisle, or are disillusioned and can’t wake to break up, an engaged couple must always get pre-marriage counselling. Chuck and I did pre-marriage counselling. To this day, I remember and employ a lot of what I learnt in our marriage. Likewise, Chuck.
Marriage is for life. There should not be the mindset that there is a get out card if things don’t walk out. It is better to break an engagement than go through a divorce. You may have perfectly grounded reasons for all these 3 engagements. And that is great. A wrong marriage is an expensive mistake.
Never lose confidence in yourself
However, never lose confidence in yourself. If your heart desire is to get married, don’t give up. But think twice before you become engaged again!
Always engage your pastor or counselor in these matters to avoid another broken or disappointed heart.
Also work on yourself. Be teachable. I am always self evaluating myself. It is a lifetime process of improving. The more you improve yourself, the more the investment in a stable marriage! (This applies to both of you).
And lastly and even firstly, pray and talk to God about it.
We look forward to happy news in the future, whether you get married in future or choose to stay single. Drop us a line and let us celebrate with you. All the best!
Zoe
See more Q & A here
(If you have any questions you would like answered that you think may be of benefit to others on this page, please go to the Contacts page. Select I have a question for Q & A option. If we can we will answer! You will remain anonymous)