Q: The church I belong is not supportive towards helping my challenges with mental illness. I am very disappointed.
A: Thank you so much for writing in. Sorry to hear that you are feeling very disappointed about the apparent lack of support from your church. I am glad you are able to talk about rather than recoil and withdraw.
Lets consider the following that will hopefully help you (and your church) in dealing with this important issue:
Who really knows about your challenge?
Sometimes as people we can assume and jump to conclusions. Often the conclusions may not necessarily be the right ones. For example, are you sure people know that you have challenges with mental illness?
Often we speak in ‘sub-text’. That is, we are not clear about what we are saying but expect people to read between the lines. In something as serious as mental illness, we cannot afford to do this. We have to be clear about our issues.
So who knows that you have a challenge? Is it only the person who sits next to you in church? What is their capacity as a leader or a worker in the church? Are they in the position to make decisions, help, or are they merely a sounding box to listen to what you have to say?
To what extent do they know of your challenge? If you just say mental illness, what specifically is the diagnosis? Are you on medication? How does the illness impact your day to day activity? What are the warning signs and triggers?
You need to let someone in a trustworthy position know all these things. By trustworthy, I mean a leader in some capacity.
Remember that in church, everyone is also seeking solutions themselves. However,…
A lot of people come to church often as a last resort to their problems and issues. People are often looking for solutions. And thank God they come to church to find them. Especially other congregants and even some leaders.
Unfortunately, people can get side-lined with their own issues. It is not that they don’t have you in mind, but even with the best intentions, they can easily be drawn into their challenges. This is why you need to contact a leader who is mature. Especially in your case where you feel you are not getting support. A mature leader can reach out to others even when they are facing huge challenges themselves…and be of help too.
Tell your leaders your expectations
Often we build our expectations of others based on our standards. That is not to say your standards are too high or too low or wrong. However, as Christians, we must always be patient and understanding of others.
Having said that, when we find ourselves in a vulnerable situation, we often look to those we feel are in a better position, or to our leaders for help and support.
Have you spoken to anyone in church concerning your expectations? Now by talking, I am not saying moaning and complaining which is all too easy to do.
- Have you tried booking an appointment with your pastor, vicar or priest and told them about your expectations?
- What you would like the church to do?
- Don’t be hazy. Be specific.
- For example, you can tell them that if you did not come to church on Sunday, someone should at least call to find out if you are OK. It is not an unreasonable request. Besides, I believe it is something that every church should aim to do!
However, the church too is being perfected, so remember that. If you expected someone to visit you in mental hospital when you were ill, let them know. Again, that is not unreasonable.
Educate them
The education of most people regarding mental illness is what they get from the media. For example, the mentally ill go round doing mass shooting and harming innocent people. Doh!
As much as mental illness is common, many do not really understand it. Even the experts and professionals really do not understand it as much as we would like. So, you need to educate (and be patient) with the other congregants and the leaders.
They may think schizophrenia is split personality. They may think bipolar is mood swings. That depression is not getting a grip. They may make such shocking statements even. But remember that we are all learning and they may just not have been exposed to mental illness.
Remember too, many kept their challenge with mental illness a secret (due to stigma). Unwittingly, they denied people the opportunity to learn about the true face of mental illness and how to make the right judgments.
Point them to great mental health websites such as ours. Check out the links to other great mental health organisations too!
Be of help too to others
As a leader in church, I often found that people who complained about the lack of support of others were not so forthcoming of being of help themselves.
I am not saying you are but we are all like that initially. I was the number 1 church bench warmer in those days. Never lifted a finger.
But who is the church? Not the building, but each one of us. That means as you are looking to others for help, others too may be looking to YOU for help. Yep, yes, you may have something that someone else craves..
The fact you are wearing a cashmere coat is enough for someone’s eye to pop. That person who has not changed their thread bare coat in 10 years! They too could be moaning that no one cares and sees that they are cold and struggling to get a decent coat. See what I mean?
So find a need and meet the need. Helping others has such a great morale and emotional boost. There is something beautiful about giving and helping. It is a boomerang. As you give to others of yourself and time, more kindness will be attracted to you.
Yes, it is hard to help when you are just thankful you made it to church considering the extent of your challenge, or that even getting up was akin to climbing Everest. But someone else may moan they can’t get out of bed because they are totally physically paralyzed. Until you wear someone else’s shoes you do not know how uncomfortable they are.
That is not to say your challenge with mental illness is less significant than someone else’s with physical challenge. As I said, till you have walked someone else’s journey you don’t even know they had a pebble in their shoes! So let us help each other and in so doing we will build a happier, content church.
Remember too, the pastor, priest or vicar cannot do it all on his own. Else he or she runs the risk to an early grave! Yep, which is not advisable!! We are all their extended hands. So as Tesco (a British supermarket) says, every little helps!
There is so much to say in answering your question about that your church is not supportive with mental illness issues, but get going with the tips above. Remember, we are always here to help or answer any further questions!
Zoe
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