God can take it

by Tonya King

Have you ever been mad at God?  When you are in the throws of an episode of your illness and you are unsure where you are going to land, can you answer that question with a no? 

I have asked myself this question many times.  Sometimes I can answer “no” and sometimes it is an “I don’t know” and a lot of times it is a “yes”.

I am trying to be honest here. I have, at times, been so mad at God for allowing me to ‘have’ Bipolar Disorder.  I understand He did not cause it; I have it because we live in a fallen world which we created.

But there are times when I am so sick that I begin to question “why”.   I know that if you live with an illness, you have asked that question of God. How did He answer you?

I prayed and prayed for whole healing, even deliverance from this illness, and yet, I still suffer.  For the longest time I felt God abandoned me, that He left me to fend for myself. 

I can honestly say that I was mad at God.  But during a very intense time of prayer, God spoke very clearly to my heart. Now I do not mean I heard him Audibly, I felt the Holy Spirit align with my spirit to give me a message from God. 

The message…” I am not going to heal you this side of glory, but I am going to make good come from this illness. I am going to use you to bring hope to people who have illnesses just like yours”.   Wait…what?  “But God, I want to be healed”. “What possible good can come from this”? I didn’t get that answer until much later.

I have never backed away from telling someone I am challenged with Bipolar Disorder.  It is so entwined with who I am that I feel no need to hide it.

Do I ever slink back from the reactions and rejection? Yes. I never get used to being hurt.

But I know I have this illness for a reason and in the past few months, that reason has become very clear.  I am being called to reach out to all who are challenged with a mental illness and let you know that God has not abandoned you; He is very near. 

He never abandoned me, I had to quit feeling sorry for myself long enough to allow Him to work in my life.  Is that you? 

Do you feel abandoned by God?  Sometimes, we have to cut the pity party short so that we can hear God and allow Him access to our pain and confusion. Sometimes we must surrender the victim mentality we have adopted so He can send His soothing words like salve to our souls. 

I don’t want to give the impression that God is not healing me, He is. It is just in pieces.  He has gotten me to a place where I function very well.  I know my parameters and I stay within them, so I can be healthy. But, I am not wholly healed.

 I do believe He heals, even delivers, but that is not my story. But, I have quit being mad at God. 

Over the years, God has become my lifeline. I see Him in all aspects of my life, even my illness.  I no longer feel like I am a victim.  I do, on occasion, have pity parties, but they are short lived, and I get back to living my life with God at the center.

No, I don’t get mad anymore.  I am too blessed and to full of joy to be angry, at anyone, especially my God.

Maybe you are still mad at God.  Maybe a heart to heart with Him would be in order. God is not afraid of that.  He can take it. 

Open up and be honest with Him about how you are feeling. Allow Him to hold you and comfort you.  Allow Him to heal you, maybe piece by piece.

It doesn’t matter how long it takes to get healed or if you will ever be healed, but your attitude towards God during this time is what will determine your outcome. 

Be positive. Love God. He loves you so much.

Grow your faith and know that God can handle it if you are mad at Him, He can handle anything.

I am proof.

Tonya King is a Writer, Speaker and Mental Health Coach. She is the founder of Faithful in the Midst ministries which is a ministry devoted to the healing and wholeness of mental illnesses through faith in Jesus Christ. 

In 2003, Tonya was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and has been advocating to include faith in Christ as part of treatment and wellness plans.  She has been walking with the Lord most of her life but has drawn very close since her diagnosis and truly lives her faith. 

Tonya lives in Perry, Ohio, USA with her husband of 31 years, Kevin. She has four children, two girls and two boys.  She is available for speaking and coaching engagements.

Read more about Tonya

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Defying Mental Illness – Put a Full Stop, is an organization with a mandate to reach out to those faced with mental health challenges to help them not only defy the disease, but also put a full stop to the stigma and discrimination. Chuck and Zoe are often invited to speak on various platforms including radio and television.

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