Handling Emotional Conversations
On many occasions, I have reflected on the need for assertiveness in handling emotional conversations.
One night, I debated the merits of holding on to the views of experts or well-established mentors with some people close to me. I very quickly became an object of derision. “How can you go against the opinion of people who have the best advice on these matters?” ” I didn’t realize you are such a proud, opinionated person?
We engaged in what would have been low-stakes argument for a while. What shocked me was the willingness to remove favours I was used to on account of my viewpoint. I began to recognise this as one of those emotional conversations I unwittingly get myself into. It made me reflect on the need to be more assertive in the workplace and home relationships. The way in which I received the criticism showed how sensitive I was to causing offense to others because of my views.
Preparing yourself
I later came across some training material on assertiveness in the workplace. A specific role-play was an ice cream debate. The ice cream debate was meant to give us practice putting a classic pillar of improvising—“yes, and”—to use during emotionally charged conversations. Team members are expected to “yes, and” one another. They are expected to accept and build on one another’s ideas. “To me, ‘yes, and’ means don’t be afraid to contribute,”
In assertive communication, “yes, and” serves a slightly different purpose, the Instructor explained. It’s a strategy that comes in handy when a disagreement is getting heated, and all parties are feeling angry, stressed, threatened, or anxious, or any combination thereof.
When conversations get uncomfortable, it can be easy for someone who struggles with assertiveness to simply shut down or give in. If, for example, your boss becomes hostile when you question his decisions, you may decide there’s no point in pushing back. You may unwittingly open yourself to being bullied if you fail to be assertive.
Such scenarios can be particularly challenging for women, who may face backlash for being deemed too forceful. (The bar as to what is “too forceful” is much lower for women than for men.)
Dealing with conflict
A way to address this problem is to repeat the other person’s statement. This lets them know that you’re listening and understand their perspective. Then, add your own perspective. It’s essential to use the word “and” instead of “but.”
“The word ‘but’ compares and highlights the second part of the sentence. It makes one opinion more important than the other. The word “and,” on the other hand, puts both people’s feelings and opinions on equal footing.
During our role play, emotions were not running high. Still, my fellow participants and I all expressed a bit of nervousness about disagreeing with one another.
Our opinions, feelings, and wants matter just as much as the next person’s. That’s why assertive communication isn’t about winning; it’s about compromise. We feel a sense of self-esteem when we stand our ground. In handling emotional conversations, we can hardly afford to be passive or submissive.
Positive Engagement
All this made me eager to keep practicing the “yes, and” rule in everyday conversation. This was not only so I can better handle conflicts as they arise. I appreciate what underpins “yes, and,”. We should also appreciate the way that language encourages us to put equal value on ourselves and others as we move through the world of work.
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