How To End A Heated Argument Before It Escalates

I once read this:

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Funny, funny!  But how much of that resonates with you?    The truth is our neighbors do not need to witness the drama of our homes.  (By the way, this post is not addressing arguments just between couples, but arguments between any  two or more people in general).  Did you ever notice that we have more arguments with people we know than those we don’t know?  Why is that? Anyway lets not digress, perhaps we will look at that another time.

 

There are some argument that happen that are very harsh and are so dramatic.  And can affect us emotionally, mentally and even physically.  At such times, it seems like you and the other person will remain enemies for life.

Such arguments bring tension, boiling rage and goes on to create a very unpleasant atmosphere.  Some of these arguments can go on and on.  Even when the shouting match is over, the argument still leaves a sour residue on our tongues.

Lets be clear on one thing before we proceed further.  Any argument that results in violence is wrong.  Irrespective of who is right or wrong or neither.  As Christians especially, we are called to peace.  I have never ever seen a home filled with strife that is a happy home.  Strife has devastating effects and can be the root of many negative and difficult problems that can occur in our lives.

When we are in strife, it is like we are opening the front door of our home, inviting thieves to come in and help themselves.  The Bible does say where there is strife, there is confusion and every evil work! (See James 3:16).  Who wants any of that?  Certainly not me.  So how can we quickly diffuse corrosive  arguments and end strife?

Here are some of the things we do when we are involved in a heated argument.

These are the things we should avoid:

##1  Thinking the other person is all wrong

When we think the other person is 100% wrong and we couldn’t be remotely wrong, or we discount what we could have done or contributed to the argument, it means the argument runs the risk of a lifetime guarantee.

Clinging to our point of view tenaciously without considering where the other person is coming from does not help.  It takes two people to argue.  When two erratic people are shouting, (yes have you ever seen what two people shouting look like?  – Erratic)….

Anyway, when two erratic people are are shouting, how does one hear the other properly?  Often in fact, one is interrupting the other, taking the last phrase out of context and multiplying the situation to the nth degree.  And the longer it goes on for, the more we cling to our point of view.  If one is silent, the argument cannot last very long.  Perhaps we can empathise with the other person.  Get to understand why they did this terrible thing.  So one person is going to have to listen to the other. And that person could be YOU!

##2 Bringing up the past

When the argument has gone on for a while, bringing up the past always seems to be the Phase 2!  Recounting how many times this wrong deed has happened before.

Or when the person did such and such in 1956, is not moving the argument to an amicable end.  1956 is not coming back.  And besides, you moved past that argument or disappointment then, didn’t you?  So why are you bringing it up again?

The Bible says that love keeps no records of wrong.  Could you be possibly keeping records?  It is easy to recount the wrongs than to remember the good.  Do you find it hard to think of this same person who helped you in 1959!

##3 Comparing the person to another

Somewhere among the phases of the argument, comparison can creep in.  This is amber warning phase.  It is unwarranted.

No two people are the same, even twins.  Every individual is different.  When you try to be someone else you only become a student of frustration.  You can copy things about them, emulate them even, but you are not permitted to be them.  Because we all have a different purpose in this life.  So when we start saying Mr X or Miss Y does this and that, or even they don’t do this or that, it is unfair.  They may be good in the thing you are bringing up, but terrible in something else that could grate you even much worse than what you are currently fighting over!

##4  Being critical

Do you use words like

‘You always do..’   

‘You never do…’

‘You will never change’

‘Typical!’

Doom and gloom declarations, criticisms and even being  judgemental is pointless.  Yes, it is mate.  We can’t try and mould people into the shape we want them to be.  Besides we got to give people wriggle room.  That wriggle room is where we allow for their mistakes and errors.  

Saying someone will never change, is not going to make them change, especially when we keep saying this to our kids. In fact, the more you say it, the more they cannot change even if they try.  And the simple reason is because you keep saying it, the power of words.

Another thing to remember is before we move to the next point is, we can’t force people to treat us right.  Continual nagging is not going to move things the way you want either.

##5 Refusing to forgive

Saying words like ‘I will never forgive you for this’ at the heat of the moment is never right.  Remember that forgiveness is also for our benefit.  

There is power in words, so even when you do get round to ‘forgiving’ the person, just because you said it, it has created room for the incident to be stored in your archive file to be brought up in 20 years.  It creates room for you to remind the person what they did to you in 2016 while the 1956 is still brewing!  

So be careful how you say those words.  Forgive.  Don’t take that poison of unforgiveness, it is more poisonous to our soul and our mental health than any wrong any person could do…yes there are hideous things others do…but for your sanity and to regain your life and sanity(!), forgive and move on.  It sets you free.

In closing, someone was sharing with me the other day, that whenever they feel like they could hand out a few choice words that could lead to a serious argument, they just sip some water.  That meant they always had a bottle of water in their handbag for those moments.  They literally would just swallow their words!  I say that is some soul food for thought.  

Remember when two calm people can coolly talk about something they don’t see eye to eye, they can easily avoid strife and discord.  And in the morning, it always seems not so bad after all.

How have you avoided an argument?  Please share or comment below

 

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