How to stop being a People Pleaser

Being a people pleaser is really and truly emotional slavery in my opinion.  What I mean is that if you are a people pleaser, your emotions are tied to the people you try to please. 

The truth is that people pleasers are yearning for validation, approval and/or acceptance. It may not be that they are yearning these things in all areas of their life but it can be that they are looking for approval in a particular area.

 I don’t think people pleasers enjoy being people pleasers as such. 

• They are never really relaxed or confident about themselves, or at least around the people they are trying to please. 
• They are probably not feeling fulfilled about themselves or maybe even achieving their purpose in life.  When you are not achieving your purpose, it is time to put on the brakes. 
• Sometimes deep inside, people pleasers feel an inner resentment to the ones they are trying so hard to please.  This is why I call it an emotional slavery. 

Now before we proceed, not being a people pleaser does not mean you start being selfish, or that you don’t help others.  In today’s ‘Me Me’ world, it can seem very easy to shift the balance to the other extreme whereby you really are not bothered about other people.  We can have healthy relationships with others whose joy is in pleasing them. 

Yes, there is nothing wrong in pleasing your spouse, kids, parents, boss, the old couple next door, and so on.  There are times you are going to have to compromise.  We must think of others and not just ourselves.  We need to build a happier world and that can’t be achieved by ‘me, myself and I’ syndrome. 

But when the pressure to do things out of a sense of pressured duty rather than out of delight or love for ‘thy neighbor’, then maybe you need to make some adjustments.  Joyce Meyer calls it The Approval Fix.

 ##1  What is your motivation?

Why are we aiming to please that person?  That is the first question we need to ask ourselves.  We need to be honest.  Is it out of a sense of duty?  For example, as a daughter or a husband?  In that case, the sense of duty must be a loving form of duty not one of duress or fear.  If you did not make the dinner, would that make you any less loved or less favored?  It should not be.  

Have a chat with the other party.  You may be surprised that they may not be seeing things the way you do.  In other words, they love or accept you regardless of what you do.

And if they don’t… well as Christians, our motivation should be God driven.  Therefore as the Bible says everything we do must be as unto God.  Because in due season He will reward you.  So if you are not appreciated, Someone does!  And the truth is, as Joyce Meyer says, when you try to please God, you will end up pleasing everyone else…and might I add…including yourself.

Is your motivation out of seeking promotion, being in control, being part of the clique, being recognized?  Then really and truly, admit to yourself, your ‘people pleasing’ has been borne out of selfishness, or even a selfish ambition.  Motivation in life should come from our divine purpose in life. 

##2  Be confident in who you are

Sometimes this people pleasing slavery comes about because we are not confident in ourselves.  Know your worth; remember your worth is not on what others say about you.  God has already called you a masterpiece, so know who you are.  Break out of the prison of insecurity.  Be yourself and accept you.  Work on your confidence and build your self esteem.  Check out our 60 seconds Confidence Building blogs.

 ##3  Stop worrying what others think about you

This comes part and parcel with being a people pleaser.  Worried about what others think about you.  When we are so caught up with what others think of us rather than our purpose, then people’s opinions plague our people pleasing minds!  You can’t be all things to all men.  Just be yourself. 

 ##4 Evaluate if you are being manipulated

I am going to have to tell you the story of a boss I once had that was just manipulative.  Said boss had a hidden agenda for everything.  Anyway, ask yourself, are you being taken advantage of?  This is where the later feelings of resentment and even bitterness develop later, trust me.  Watch out for the hidden agendas, the sugar coated flatteries, the guilt trips, and so on.  If these exist, know there is no sincerity of their expectations of you. 

 ##5  It is alright to say no

There is nothing wrong about being assertive.  The only issue is when aggressiveness comes into the picture.  In a polite way, you can say no.  If you don’t feel comfortable doing something or being somewhere, why go along with it just to stay friends or to prevent the other party from being angry.  Remember you don’t always have to be compliant especially if it does not fit in with your morals, values, beliefs or even in the wider picture your purpose in life.  Your no is not a no for the sake of it.  Remember your no is one with good reason.  Say NO now and avoid making room for regret later!

Are you a people pleaser?  Share some of your thoughts and comments here.  We also have a lot of friends and engaging followers on Twitter.