Initial Reaction to Mental Illness Diagnosis
I had gone to my first outpatient session following my release from mental hospital. I was not even aware that my hospital admission was on the basis of a diagnosis of mental illness.
Do you smoke marijuana? “No” I replied,shocked. Do you hear voices? “No” I answered again, bewildered. Have you ever thought of killing yourself? “No” I came back with, wondering where these questions were coming from.
The room was quiet and still with very few items that could be moved.
I was later to find out that the center was an outpatient facility for Care of the Mentally Ill in the Community.
These questions were all based on alien concepts to me. I struggled not to feel on the other end of what felt like an unjust inquisition. I had been flying in life and suddenly the brakes had been clamped on. They did not know me after all. They were trying to determine what would have caused me to end up in a mental hospital with a diagnosis of mental illness.
Mum arrived to look after me. I lived alone. It soon became clear that my perceptions were either not normal or I was not being perceived correctly. I constantly made associations between certain things I saw and heard. I particularly ‘noticed’ the colors black and white very sharply.
Often the intensity of my perception of these affected my feelings of safety. I once made an association on hearing an announcement for on the train as heading towards a cemetery. I also felt that people putting on their hoods round about the same time, was some kind of signal. It seemed I had acquired an unusual sense of paranoia.
At further consultations, I found myself being discussed as if I was not present. Mum and these guys were suggesting that it might be best to return to my parents’ home with Mum! Mum lived in another country. I reacted by burning my passport in the oven to prevent travel! This was a reflection of my state of mind.
After a month of being signed off sick, I had an appointment with the Occupational Health doctor, an elderly gentleman to assess whether I was fit to work. I had not realized it at the time but I was now in danger of being declared permanently unfit for work in my 20s.
In the end, I had a further six months off work with the diagnosis of “nervous disability” on my medical certificate. Had I been in my later years, I would have ended up permanently out of work on disability allowance.
I was perpetually stressed but did not know this. This was because work had become an idol of sorts for me and my escape. This was especially so with my not being able to return quickly enough.
How did you react to a diagnosis of mental illness?
About The Author
I was actually relieved when I was told that I had a mental illness. After years (I was 39) of not knowing what was wrong, suddenly I was being offered a solution! It has been quite a struggle, but now I’m in recovery and these are the best times in my life, at 53 years old.
Thank you for sharing Jim. Indeed I can understand when you say it was a relief. Not knowing a diagnosis especially for ‘invisible’ illnesses like mental illness can itself be almost torturous
I am glad things are working out. And thank you for saying these times are the best times. When you have come through hell, why not indeed! It is important that people understand that if there has been a diagnosis of mental illness it does not mean the end of a life! Well done