Is Forgiveness about Remembering or Forgetting? – Part 1
“I will forgive but not forget!” We have all said that one time or the other. But you know what? When we say that, we are not far off in actually forgiving. But before we get into that, here’s something of mine I’ll share with you.
There was this bloke that I had been dating. The man rocked the basement of my heart, or so I thought. Guess what he did? He bashed the basement and would have demolished the foundation, given time! One day I may share that story, what I remember, that is.
At the time, I remember saying to said bloke, that if he ever saw me walking on the road, he should ensure that he crossed over the other side as I would not be made responsible for what would happen otherwise! Goodness, talk about fury and a woman scorned. Mixed with a bit of youthful wrath in that cocktail, my fury was volcanic!
Even if I was prepared to ‘forgive’ this bloke, (and forgive, I say in quotes), I was certainly not prepared to forget his acts. And I wanted the bloke to know that very precisely and clearly. Ouch!
Well, that was a long time ago… thankfully. So swiftly moving on…At midweek service last week, our preacher said something that resonated with a lot us congregants. “The reason why we can’t forgive is because we are trying to forgive and ….forget!” Often, she said, we equate forgiveness with forgetting. And that is where our frustration sets in.
We think that just because we have recalled that past hurt, that past pain or disappointment, then it means that we have not forgiven. Then we decide to climb off the forgiveness bandwagon altogether because all we end up with is more corrosive frustration.
But forgiveness does not mean that we necessarily go into a coma. Or it means pretending like we have forgotten, when in actual fact, we can replay every scene, remember what color shirt they were wearing, etc, etc!
To forgive and remember, you got to be able to do these things:
##1 Give them some dignity
To extend the olive branch, takes a lot of dignity on our part. To forgive, means not being malicious, not giving the person silent treatment, or blasting mouth washing adjectives at them, or ignoring them.
We got to treat the person with respect even though it seems ‘natural’ to treat them with disdain and contempt. Of course, we know what they have done, but we have decided to be dignified about the matter in spite of it.
Remember forgiveness is a decision. And to to treat the individual with dignity takes humility on our part.
##2 Sometimes let the person know
If a dialog is possible, why not talk about the hurt and pain with them. It is not about giving them the satisfaction to know that they hurt you.
You see, sometimes, we are expecting people to be mind readers. We are upset and become unforgiving about something they did. But the person could be truly oblivious to it all. So why not tell them why you are upset?
Have you considered that they may have been upset with you beforehand and acted they way they did because of that? Obviously they did not read this post else they would not have done tit for tat! But you get what I am saying I hope!
##3 It is not conditional on an apology
Forgiveness is not conditional on an apology. If one is not forthcoming don’t let that upset you even further.
##4 Don’t look for revenge
I have often heard people say, that if the person that had hurt them was on fire, they would not even spit on them. In other words, they would not even do anything to put out the fire!
Opportunities may arise for you to take revenge or have your own back, or offer a helping hand. That is your moment of great testing.
When Jesus appeared to Peter after Peter had dared deny Him, Jesus did not look into taking His revenge by showing He now had the upper hand. Instead, Jesus restored him. Instead of taking revenge, we could instead do something positive for the person that wronged us. It shows graciousness in our character. Don’t offer conditions either in exchange for your forgiveness.
##5 Forgive ourselves
Sometimes the reason we hold on to some hurts far longer than their sell by dates, is because we are actually dealing with hurts from ourselves, and events even that happened to us. We need to release ourselves too in the process.
Next time, we will look at how to remember differently… and how I dealt with the ex-bloke in the end!
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