Everything
by Tonya King
When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2003, I wasn’t walking with the Lord.
I had grown up in the church and even said the “prayer” but I never really knew what a relationship with Jesus was. I was a mess, both before and after my diagnoses and I knew if I was going to survive, yet even thrive, I had to make a commitment to follow Jesus wherever that led.
I had a lot of problems that my illness created.
Decisions that had major ramifications, guilt piled upon guilt, self-loathing, confusion, suicidal thoughts. All of these hitting me at once was to much for me to handle and I ended up in a mental health treatment facility. I was so afraid and so confused and it was during that time that God made himself real to me.
I was manic, so I didn’t sleep very much, yet I was so over-medicated that sleep was all I wanted to do, so I spent a lot of time just talking to God. I poured out my heart to him. I wept, sometimes inconsolably, but I also turned to the Scriptures. This was the first time I knew that God was real, and He loved me.
I pored over the Psalms, identifying with David as he lamented about his life. I began to see myself in those pages. I read them all day and all night, all the while talking to God about my needs and my weaknesses and my mess.
When I was well enough to be released, I came out of that hospital with a different perspective on my life. I wish I could say that everything fixed itself and life was rosy and rainbows, but it was far from it.
I still had the mess. I still was ill with bipolar disorder. I still had a mind that was fractured but I had a true identity…
I was a child of God! He loved me and was there in the midst of my mess. My life was worth something and God had a plan for me. I wasn’t damaged goods to Him, I was something special, something beautiful and I had worth. Regardless of bipolar disorder.
Getting to know God through prayer and Scripture reading became my lifeline. My family was great during this time. They supported and loved me, but they couldn’t save me.
I knew I needed my Savior every minute of my day. I’ve talked before about needing God just to get out of bed sometimes, that is so true, even still today. But God has restored me.
Yes, I am still challenged with Bipolar Disorder, and yes, I still make messes out of my life, but I have a Heavenly Father who sees my distress and my mistakes and loves me anyway.
Jesus is my truest friend. He is the best counselor I have ever had, He’s the greatest listener and the love of my life. I have come to understand that without Him, I have nothing.
My very life is tied up in Jesus. Without Him, I do not exist.
Some may say that is a bit extreme, but it isn’t. If someone said I could have the world if I give up my relationship with my God, I would not even have to think about my answer… it would be NO!
Jesus is so worth whatever I go through. His love and compassion give me strength and perseverance to get through the rough times, and there are many.
If you need help…if you are struggling and have no hope, turn to Jesus. He is there, always.
You are no surprise to Him. He loves you and always will, He is waiting for you to surrender your mess, so He can restore you.
Call on Him, He answers. I can honestly say, He is the air that I breath, the promise I live for and even if I lost all I would still cling to Jesus. He is everything to me.
Tonya King is a Writer, Speaker and Mental Health Coach. She is the founder of Faithful in the Midst ministries which is a ministry devoted to the healing and wholeness of mental illnesses through faith in Jesus Christ.
In 2003, Tonya was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and has been advocating to include faith in Christ as part of treatment and wellness plans. She has been walking with the Lord most of her life but has drawn very close since her diagnosis and truly lives her faith.
Tonya lives in Perry, Ohio, USA with her husband of 31 years, Kevin. She has four children, two girls and two boys. She is available for speaking and coaching engagements.
Read more about Tonya
The views and opinions expressed in this post are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect all or some of our beliefs and policy. Any links on this page do not necessarily mean they have been endorsed by Defying Mental Illness.
About The Author
Very heartwarming. Thanks Tonya for this
This article is a wonderful reminder for me to hold on tight to Lord. To seek HIM first in ALL that I do. And to rely on HIM for All that I require.
Thank you so much.
This article is a wonderful reminder for me to hold on tight to Lord. To seek HIM first in ALL that I do. And to rely on HIM for All that I require.
Thank you so much.