My OCD Story
By Gary Webster
When I was around 13, I started to get really bad OCD. My mum was always a worrier, and I probably learned that from her, and as I had always been quite shy (i hate that word!) and kept myself to myself, I wore glasses, I had ginger hair, a brace, I had the full set of things to get bullied about, and I soon became a victim of school bullying.
You could say it was like a perfect storm of events and circumstances that would lead my problem to develop. Parents splitting up, bullying, being anxious anyway etc. It started with having a prayer ritual every night that God would protect everyone I cared about from dying. I’m not even religious as if that mattered. I had to list everyone I loved, every single night and I had to do that several times a night sometimes! I honestly believed that if I didn’t do that, then one or more of these people might die, and if you’ve had OCD yourself, you understand that that’s the hook where your brain gets you. Its the “what ifs” that ruin you.
So you don’t dare question it, for the sake of a few prayers, I wouldn’t have to worry about people dying and it being my fault. However, the more you give, the more the OCD takes. It gets a hold of you, and starts to control more and more areas of your life. You can’t get ANY peace. Praying turned to washing hands repeatedly, to cleaning up obsessively, to checking things a stupid amount of times before I could let myself relax. Leaving the house became a nightmare, I had to go back and check the door was locked up to something like 5 times.
So you don’t dare question it, for the sake of a few prayers, I wouldn’t have to worry about people dying and it being my fault. However, the more you give, the more the OCD takes. It gets a hold of you, and starts to control more and more areas of your life. You can’t get ANY peace. Praying turned to washing hands repeatedly, to cleaning up obsessively, to checking things a stupid amount of times before I could let myself relax. Leaving the house became a nightmare, I had to go back and check the door was locked up to something like 5 times.
I decided to fight back. One day something hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I started to realise that I didn’t have to let this control me. I realised that in itself, the counting was a nuisance, that the ritual checking was annoying but the biggest problem I had was my relationship with myself. It was an epiphany (I didn’t see it as that then though) to think that most of my unpleasant feelings were what I was telling myself about my problems.
It was ME that was making me feel like I was weird, the OCD wasn’t doing that. It was ME that told myself I’m a freak, and I’m not normal. That wasn’t the OCD, it was ME that was doing more harm to me than the OCD was. This, even though I didn’t know it then, was the beginning of the end of my problems. So I started to stop being so hard on myself. If I could just see this problem for what it was, I could alleviate all the internalised hate that I was giving myself – a lot of this I had ‘learned’ from being bullied. You effectively do the bully’s job for them, you become your own worst enemy, hate on yourself, and all this does is generate more anxiety, which just fuels your OCD.
I got the mentality that I’d sooner go out and leave the door unlocked than give in to my OCD anymore. I’d refuse to wash my hands 5 times, I cut it down to 4 times, then 3 then 1. I was now building confidence up instead of creating a never ending circle of anxiety.
Before long I’d got control. I still had some anxieties and worries, but the difference now was that I wasn’t giving in to them like I used to. The praying had stopped, the rituals were virtually gone. The counting was different, it was totally automatic so just found myself doing it BUT, now I didn’t stress myself about it. Thus breaking the circle of anxiety breeding anxiety. I’m in my 50s now and I still find myself counting every now and then but I just ignore and it will disappear for another few months. I’m in charge and I decide what bothers me and what doesn’t bother me.
Of course I always was in charge, but I didn’t know it back then. If I can do it, you can too. I know how desperate it feels, but follow my advice, fight back and you’ll soon see how strong you are and not how weak you think you are.
Author Bio:
Garry Webster is a clinical hypnotherapist working from his office in Ripley, Derbyshire UK. He has a passion for helping others, and specialises in treating anxiety and weight loss.
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