How Not To Deal With Shame
Shame can arise due to several reasons. It can be as a result of:
- Something we have done to others
- Something we have done to ourselves.
- Shame can arise as something terrible someone else has done to us
- Shame can come about as something that is is stigmatised like mental illness, HIV
- Something that society looks down on e.g. alcoholism, prostitution, imprisonment.
Today, we will look at the shame that arises as a result of us hurting someone else. So we will be looking at the shame that comes when we have wronged another party.
Here are 7 things NOT to do when dealing with shame
##1 Refuse to apologise
Sometimes the act we have done or our misconduct can be so grave, we may find that we are lost for words. Or in our heads, we have already figured that the last thing the other party wants from us is our apology. Or that an apology will not undo things.
True, an apology may not undo things. However, if an apology meant nothing, the news media would never comment that a criminal showed no remorse for his actions. So it shows that remorse is important. And therefore an apology, a sincere apology must always be offered.
In the heat of the moment, it may not be received well. However it must be offered. And then again, when the other party has had time to work through their emotions.
Don’t give excuses for what you did. Excuses make us weak. Excuses don’t go well with apologies.
##2 Withdraw and clam up
Withdrawing and going into your shell is not going to help you deal with the shame you feel. It is not going to disappear like it never happened that way. If you hide a box under the carpet instead of putting it in the recycling bin/garbage, it is only going to be an obstruction. Until you deal with the box and take it out of the carpet, it stays there to remind you or pop up now and again.
In fact, when you alone with your thoughts, your mind may play tricks on you and you end up meditating on the wrong stuff. See point 3 below. Don’t withdraw or go mute. Depending on the severity of what you have done, you may need counselling; you may need help, professional help, help from your pastor.
##3 Meditate on the shame
You have hurt someone and you can’t move on. You keep beating yourself about it and going over it in your mind. Remember we are living in an imperfect world. The one you hurt has hurt someone before. It may be in a different degree, worse or better, but no one is not guilty of not causing hurt.
However there are some hurts that can lead to emotional and psychological damage. Don’t be abrasive though. Healing is a process. Give the other party time to heal. If the deed is something that is criminal, serve the sentence or punishment with humiilty and sincerity. Asking for forgiveness does not absolve us from receiving punishment.
##4 Hate yourself
It is noble and the right thing to do to hold yourself responsible if you have done something wrong. It is right to make amends and ask for forgiveness as appropriate. But this cannot continue for an indefinite time.
There was a man who said he was the worst of all sinners because of his terrible haunting past, yet he was the one chosen by God to preach the Gospel. He even wrote most of the New Testament portion of the Bible. Once God has forgiven you for an act, He has wiped it clean. It is like it never existed.
It is like when you wash a dirty pot, you don’t then refuse to use it again because you think it is still dirty. So receive forgiveness like Paul did.
Self hate is destructive. Anger in this situation is useless. If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love another person. And if you can’t love another person, you will hurt them. So make sure you never slide on the slippery downward slope of self hate.
##5 Become callous
It is said hurting people hurt others. Sometimes because we are hurting over what we have done, we give ourselves a label, the wrong label and therefore the license to just go ahead and do wrong things. This can be because you already think you are damaged goods and therefore beyond repair.
Don’t become a social outcast. When once we think we are relegated to the untouchables and unlovables of society, we may become thick skinned and therefore callous and hardened. This will make things worse. Don’t become hardened. Don’t become one without a conscience.
##6 Feel unloved
Don’t take everything personal. The other party may say terrible things back at you if you have done something wrong. They may call you names in the heat of the moment. You must make allowances and show empathy. They are working through their emotions.
The other person may even say they hate you. Hate is a strong word. And as Christians, we are not allowed to hate so do not retaliate!
If for example, you are in prison right now reading this because of some terrible thing you have done, do all of what has been said above. Ask God for forgiveness and receive His love. If you are ever released from prison, do not go back to your vomit. Show true repentance and make amends. It is possible.
##7 Withdraw from God
In the Bible, there were two people who did terrible things to Jesus at his 11th hour. One was Judas who betrayed Jesus. The other was Peter who denied he ever met Him. They both felt shame because of the way they both reacted afterwards. But Peter showed true remorse and went on to have a vibrant ministry. For Judas, the shame led him to end his life in a horrible, lonely way.
Some people think God hates them or is ashamed of them, because maybe everyone around them is saying hateful things towards them, or their family is ashamed of them too.
The Bible says there is forgiveness for all who repent (see Luke 24:47). Don’t withdraw from the only Person that can help and most importantly change you. Repent means to turn away permanently from what you have done.
Now is the time to know Him if you don’t. Now is the time to pray and allow your heart to be softened. For what is impossible with man, the Bible tells us is possible with God (see Luke 18:27). And shame is one thing possible that can we wiped away permanently from your life.
And when the shame is gone, walk in love and never let arrogance and pride come into your heart.
If you feel shame and the shame has been haunting you for a long time, and you would like us to pray for you, please contact us here.
About The Author
