Surrender and Live

By Tonya King

As I was having my quiet time with God, I began to remember where I used to be with my illness and how God pulled me out of that darkness and brought me to where I am today…stable, joyful. I am so thankful that when I called out to God, He was there, waiting.

After my diagnosis, I felt so alone. No one I knew had Bipolar Disorder. I didn’t know how to articulate to friends and relatives that I was one of the many who now has a mental illness. Actually, I have always had it, just didn’t know. I began to get angry and bitter. I would ask “why me?”.

Haven’t we all asked that question. Of all the people in the world, why do I have a mental illness that is going to rearrange my entire life. I denied that I had it. I tried to ignore it. I even told my husband that I was perfectly fine…he knew better.

I wasn’t following God when I was first diagnosed. But the dark place that I was in and the anger and bitterness I felt could only be changed by a loving Savior. I knew that if I didn’t give my life and my illness over to God, it was going to consume me to the point that I would give in and listen to the voices of self- destruction. I was so afraid and alone.

But God… He called to me in my darkness. I didn’t recognize His voice at first, but then I heard the familiar. The voice that called to me when I was a scared child, not understanding the angst I felt and the fear I had of just living. I began to answer… “God, is that you? Have you come to rescue me”? He answered…” yes, it is me!” I was so grateful.

I knew that the one who created me was there beside me and I was going to be OK. I felt the anger and the bitterness begin to fade. God knew. He saw the confusion and the fear, and He willingly took that away.

The journey from that first encounter to now has been a long one. It has been up and down and not easy, but I have never been alone. I have had days where the darkness is so thick, I had trouble hearing my Lord, but He never gave up on me. He loved when I was unlovable. He fought for me when I wanted to give up, and He still fights for me. And, you know what? He fights for you too.

If you are consumed by bitterness and anger because of a diagnosis you don’t understand, my advice to you is to go to the one who knows you better than you know yourself. He loves you. Oh, how He loves you.

Give it all to Him. Give your heart, your pain, your confusion, and allow Him to give you beauty for your ashes. He is always faithful. He is always there. And you can trust that He will rescue you from your pain, He will rescue you from yourself.

Sometimes that is the rescue we most need.

Surrender and live!

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