4 Things you may be Overlooking in your Relationship as a Caregiver Spouse
When I married Chuck, there were times I had to remember a few things in order to keep our marriage relationship alive and exciting.
There were moments when I seemed like the other woman and the challenges of mental illness felt like the spouse. That easily stirred up feelings in me that were not good.
Statistics say that often caregiver spouses head for the divorce court. But let that not be for you…please. So, what can be done to still enjoy your marriage even when it seems even desperately hard to stay?
1 Remember you are still a spouse
When you are caring for your spouse, you can often forget that your role is not primarily that of a caregiver even though it feels like that a lot of time.
Remember to do things as a couple that you both enjoy and can do. It could be simple things like taking a walk or sitting in the park. Or watching a movie that you both have enjoyed in the past.
Remember the love that brought you together. Even though the marriage may have evolved, that love is still present even if your spouse is not in a position to show you right now. I personally know of a couple where the husband went blind very early into the marriage. The wife stayed true, adjusted their lifestyle to accommodate the disability but remained very much in love till her death. It is possible to keep love burning in spite of the odds.
Also, keep the friendship alive. Chuck has always been my friend. Our friendship is what keeps us very close even when we go through sticky patches.
Praying together helped us a lot during the times I found myself as a caregiver. Knowing the Holy Spirit was there was the third strand in the rope. It helped our faith grow and see possibilities. It is important what you see.
When you always see yourself as a spouse above the label of caregiver, it helps deal with any negative emotions that is so easy and tempting to work up.
The more you see yourself as a caregiver over being a spouse, the more difficult it is to enjoy your marriage
2 Your spouse also needs to be patient with you
Not many posts you find for caregivers will give you this point. But talking from personal experience, this is an important point especially that will help minimise frustrations on your part.
You may think you are the only one deserving of patience which on the face of it is largely true most of the time. But also remember there are things that you may do that may irritate your spouse. You are not always right.
You are not a parent to your spouse, so you have to remember that at times you may come across condescending when you do not wish to.
You may be burnout, exhausted, feel stressed and as a result act in a manner that is not you. Your spouse has to be on the receiving end of anger and frustration that has been brought by their challenge with mental illness. They have to see things from your point too which takes understanding and patience on their part.
3 Thinking your spouse should be eternally indebted to you
Marriage is for life. And when life seems be unfair and throw a few curved balls you may see marriage as a life sentence. This should not adjust your mindset negatively such that you think your spouse can never repay your kindness even in eternity. If you do it immediately makes a relationship unbalanced.
Telling your spouse that without you, they are nothing, is nothing short of unfair. Telling them that they should be grateful you married them is hurtful too. Very! If you married them, what makes you think that there is not someone else with a big heart as you that could have done the same?
They probably feel guilty. No one dreams of a life whereby they are looking to someone for help and support a great deal of the time. Think of the good things they have done or said. If the tables were turned, they would probably have done the same for you.
4 You must look after yourself
Depending on how much you have to deal with in regards to your spouse’s challenges, it can become easy to neglect yourself.
Look after yourself in every way: spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. You need to factor time to rest and rejuvenate yourself.
Join a support group, a church, fellowship, or take up a hobby. You still have your needs and goals in order to meet your own purpose in life.
You need not feel guilty either for scheduling time for these. When someone offers to help, accept it. Make time with the kids. They are also impacted and will be looking to you, and even your spouse, for their own needs.
It is Mental Health Awareness Week. The theme this year, 2016, is Relationships. Please share this post on Twitter and Pinterest and spread the love! Thank you.
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