Defiant Not Compliant -Cerridwens Heart’s Mental Health Journey Part 3
A plant growing through a crack in concrete. How defiant are you?
In Part 1 and Part 2, Cerridwen Heart has been sharing her story. Cerridwen did not have a good start in life. Developing mental health challenges, Cerridwen got involved in relationships looking for love that only made her feel worse. She continues below….
Finally, John completed his mission to complete suicide, choosing to throw himself of the balcony of our rented apartment. I had a premonition of his death a week before it happened and I can still remember waking up from that dream, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. He just held me, wiping away my tears and assuring me that he was safe and that part of his life was behind him.
It was a Thanksgiving Monday, the day I got the call from the detective that was called to the scene. I arrived home only to witness them power hosing his blood off the pavement where he had landed twenty floors below our balcony! It was the ultimate kick in the teeth and I understandably lost it.
His family were not the least bit supportive and blamed me for his death, his drinking, his mental health issues. I sank even deeper into depression, terrified that I too would end up taking my own life because I just couldn’t cope anymore. Endless rounds of therapy soon ensued. More meds to keep me as balanced as I could be under the circumstances.
Somewhere in all this madness, I made a decision. The meds were just going to be a stepping stone for me to help me get where I needed to be emotionally. I got in touch with this amazing program called the Survivors Support Program in conjunction with the Distress Centres of Toronto. I went through the program and over time I began to heal; between it, therapy and my doctor’s guidance.
- I learned that sometimes you may not get answers in life as to why things happen. That you have to make your peace with that fact.
- I learned that it often takes more strength and courage to reach out and ask for help than it does to suffer stoically in silence.
- I learned that despite the horrors in life there were still people that were decent and compassionate.
- I’ve learned that despite healing there can be triggers that will take me back to vividly relive those horrors. But now I’m strong enough to get through it without wanting to harm myself or return to destructive behaviours.
- Also I decided that I wanted John’s life to have some sort of meaning. So eventually I trained to work with program that had help give me my life back and others like it after I left the city.
I wanted to show people that there was a light at the end of the tunnel after surviving such a life altering event, and that it did not have to be a train racing down the track at you.
In my own way I’d like to think I’m making a difference in their lives and helping them with their own healing process.
Does my story end there? Nope, it’s an ongoing process.
There are still things that I’m learning, like how to love again. A little over a year ago, I met a wonderful man, who is understanding and supportive. He’s also challenged with severe depression and anxiety among other mental health challenges.
Some of you may be gaping in horror at that revelation, and thinking, ‘Girl, run as fast as you can, don’t put yourself through that again, you’ve got enough on your plate to deal with!’ But I’m here to tell you that I’m staying with him and I’ll tell you why I’m staying with him.
I’m with Barry, because he knows he has challenges and he’s facing them. He also knows I have challenges and continues to love me unconditionally and supports me even when I’m dealing with my own issues.
The difference in this relationship is that we both have an understanding of what the other is going through and we communicate what’s going on with each other openly and honestly.
We are willing to work through things together, side by side. No judgments, and accepting that when we don’t understand what the other is going through. Just the comfort of knowing someone is there for you and loves you, does help you get over the humps.
As recently as this morning, just before writing this, I had a major depressive slump and tried to push him away. But bless him he’d have none of that, and just chose to be there for me in the ways that he could for me. Our lives may not be perfect and there will always be challenges to face, but I just know that I am so blessed to have someone who loves me unconditionally, that is willing to face the challenges with me, hold my hand when I need it, get me to go and get help when I need it, and just accept me so unconditionally even with all my faults.
For the first time in my life I know what it’s like to be truly loved and accepted, and through that, I’m also finally learning to accept and love myself. To me those are two of the most amazing gifts you can give someone that in on the road to healing.
26 Nov 2015
The views and opinions expressed in this post are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect all or some of our beliefs and policy. Any links on this page does not necessarily mean they have been endorsed by Defying Mental Illness.
About The Author