Voice In My Head – BDD
By Rachael Silvester
It came as a shock to realise that voice inside my head wasn’t me. It was/is someone talking to me.
Very rarely do I catch myself saying ‘I look disgusting’, ‘I look awful’, and ‘I can’t wear this’… No, it’s actually, ‘you look disgusting’, ‘you look awful’, ‘you can’t wear that dress’, you, you, you, you, you.
It’s someone telling me. Half the time I don’t even feel like I’m thinking it. Someone may as well be stood next to me saying these things. So what does this mean? It means I have to find out “who” this person is and cut them off at the source.
This is a voice some people have, but it’s how you perceive it.
Is it too critical?
Is it making your self-esteem low?
Is it making you be too hard on yourself?
Is it that teacher who shouted at you that time?
Or those annoying little boys in high school that constantly called you names?
Can you give it a name?
Or a face?
The weird thing is, I can’t. To me it isn’t one specific person, more like a combination of every horrible person I’d been unfortunate enough to meet.
I often think, how do I control this?
It’s a thought, it’s spontaneous and instant. You can’t seem to stop it, or ignore it. So instead you find evidence for it.
‘You look disgusting in that dress’
Alright, why? What evidence do we have?
My eyes.. I’m looking in the mirror.
But that’s your opinion.
And strangely enough (despite what people think) Opinion isn’t fact.
Think of it as a court case. Unless you have hard proof, hard evidence then it would be tossed out.
You can’t convict someone because in your opinion, you think they did it. It is hugely difficult to separate fact from opinion.
My eyes, my mind have been scrutinising myself so deeply over the past 28 years, any defect I want to see, I will see it and they are there instantly, pulsating in front of my face in every reflection, in every photograph.
It’s about having that small part of you saying, or finding that small part of you that can say, alright, give me one good solid reason why I look terrible in this dress?
I have to work on this, as do we all. No matter what this voice is saying to us, or who it is.
For people challenged with BDD, this voice is constant. It doesn’t show at certain times, like a night out, a holiday or a new job. It’s always there.
When I’m shopping, when I’m driving, when I’m watching TV, when I’m talking to someone, when I’m stood next to them, constantly this voice is saying to me:
‘I bet they think you look fat’,
‘they’re even looking at you as you drive, you must look weird’,
‘they’re all comparing you to that girl there’,
‘why can’t you look like that’,
‘I bet your face looks weird from that angle’,
‘the light from the TV is making your skin look shiny’
This, all these thoughts, all those feelings of worthlessness, are not because I am vain. Vanity is an obsession on how you look, because you always want to look nice and good and perfect.
Body dysmorphic disorder BDD is an obsession with the fact you believe you can never look perfect, look good, or nice. And ‘someone’ is always telling you this.
Even if it is in your head.
The views and opinions expressed in this post are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect all or some of our beliefs and policy. Any links on this page does not necessarily mean they have been endorsed by Defying Mental Illness.
Rachael enjoys a good book and a crackling log fire. She is a keen hiker with a love for the countryside. One topic she holds close to her heart is that of mental illness, having being challenged with BDD. She hopes to bring more light on the subject and to help those who are challenged with BDD to not feel alone. And for those who don’t, to understand!
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