What To Say OR Not Say To One Struggling With Addiction
By Tammy Cate
Watching someone you love struggling with addiction can be heartbreaking. It’s only human nature to want to offer advice. Unfortunately, even the most well-intended words can do more harm than good for someone dealing with a substance abuse problem.
To make matters even more precarious, people with an addiction can be dealing internally with a litany of exasperated emotions, such as insecurities about the problem. To prevent causing accidental harm, here are some phrases you don’t want to say to someone struggling with addiction as well as some “safe” sentiments to offer instead.
Don’t Say: ‘How Could You Let This Happen?’
Numerous researchers have identified reasons why addiction is like a chronic illness or a disease. The brain changes when someone is addicted. Addiction is not a volitional problem and not a lack of desire to change. It’s so easy to look at individuals making poor choices and question why they don’t just stop.
Even if you don’t understand, casting blame on the individual who’s struggling can make the situation worse. Instead, offer reassurance that you know the individual is not choosing what’s taking place. Maybe you could say something along the lines of, “I know you never intended for this to happen.” This statement could easily make the person feel more confident about seeking help.
Don’t Say: ‘You’re Never Going to Change’
“You’re never going to change,” is right in line with, “You’ll always be an addict.” These statements often come out during frustrating moments caused by repeat behaviors or perceived failures, such as after a relapse. As justified as you may be to feel frustrated, using these statements can be truly damaging.
People with substance abuse problems can get better and go on to lead fulfilling lives. Yet those who do achieve sobriety succeed easier if they believe they can. Making a loved one feel like he or she will never achieve sobriety inflicts direct discouragement and defeat. Instead, if your loved one relapses, try saying, “Maybe you need to try something different,” or “You might require more help and support.”
Don’t Say: ‘You Need to Get Your Act Together’
Recovery from addiction can take a village of support. When you tell someone with a substance abuse problem to “get it together,” you’re invalidating the fact that addiction is a profound problem not easily overcome with a little willpower. Those with an addiction probably know full well that they need to change. In fact, making the person feel weak could push him or her to use a substance.
Instead, ask your loved one what you can do to offer support. Try saying:
How can I help you get to a better place
What can I do to support you as you make changes?
I’m here to help you find what you need to recover
Don’t Say: ‘I Know Why You’re an Addict’
“Your parents caused this,” or “You probably wouldn’t be in this shape if it wasn’t for …” These are unfair assumptions. Addiction is incredibly complex. Layer after layer of social, psychological and biological factors can be at play. You may think you know enough about a loved one to point out where the problem started, but you likely only know a piece of a bigger story.
While your aim may be to offer support or help the person feel better, these statements can be counterproductive in nature. It makes it easier for people to stay in their circumstance with the thought they have someone or something to blame. In recovery, those struggling with addiction learn how to accept responsibilities so they realize they have the power to make new choices. It is far better to passingly acknowledge supposed contributing factors, as just that — only factors. You could say something along the lines of, “You’re a strong person, and I’m here to help.”
Final Words: A Loved One’s Addiction Is Not Your Responsibility to Change
Ultimately, you can’t force change and you can’t take responsibility for someone else’s addiction or behaviors. Be mindful of your words. When all is said and done, the person struggling with the addiction has to want to take steps toward sobriety. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is be a supportive voice encouraging him or her to walk in the right direction.
Author Bio:
Tammy Cate is the founder and CEO of Transformations By The Gulf, a leading drug rehab facility. Cate is passionate about helping others lead a sober and fulfilling life. She maintains a hands-on rapport with staff and residents to ensure everyone is able to receive an individualized experience.
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