When Mental Illness strikes a marriage – Walking in my shoes
It is said there is an elevated risk of divorce when a spouse is challenged with mental illness. The cycle of emotions that the caring spouse endures make this risk pronounced, as sentiments towards the other run high and scorch desert dry. Everyone and thing gets affected. The kids, the extended family, the friends, the pets et al.
The other spouse in turn can come across as totally oblivious or even uncaring about the strain the illness is bringing to the marriage and home.
Mental illness is tough on marriage. I had had even a taste of mental illness during the honeymoon. It’s that plain and simple. But this should not be the grounds to automatic divorce.
Every marriage faces it’s share of issues one way or the other at some time in the marriage bandwagon. No marriage is immune. How each couple recovers from their issues is what either makes or breaks that union.
When mental illness strikes in a marriage, the consequences are unpleasant and very overwhelming.
Let’s take a look at 3 common things that can happen when mental illness attacks your marriage:
The Blame Factor
The ‘healthy spouse’ seems to cast the blame on the other for any marriage challenges they face. Mental illness can seem like it is the one dictating the running of the home and the marriage. Mental illness can seem like the thermostat regulating the love temperature in the home.
Conversely, there is another blame factor. This is where the caring spouse begins to assign fault inwardly of what is going on.
The Exhaustion
The one caring can feel exhausted and even burnt out due to the strain and unpredicatablity of the disease. The caring spouse may neglect their own health whilst caring for their spouse and also the kids.
There are the bills to sort out, food to put on the table, the kids’needs, the semblance of normailty to cope with especially for the kids’ sake. The running of the home cannot be sidelined.
The home may feel like a war zone with the disease turning everyone’s mind to a battlefield. At the constant back of the caring spouse’s busy mind, is that one person has to remain ‘sane’ in order to go on. The ‘healthy’ spouse tries to compensate for what the other is not doing or handling particularly well at that moment.
Fight or Flight
A few times, I threatened (in hindsight I basically threatening myself!) to leave. I would grab my pink suitcase and thrust a few sundry items.
Sometimes, it can just get a little too much. Just one tiny hitch can sometimes seem to tip the caring spouse over the edge!
Escape may seem like a solution but that does not solve anything. Escape does not deal with the crisis.
Of course, this does not apply if your spouse has become violent or dangerous due to the disease. It is impractical and unsafe to put your life and your kids at risk if this becomes the case. In this case, seek help immediately for yourself, family and spouse.
Common sense, and not foolishness or presumption guised as faith, must prevail!
Next time…we will look at, what can we do when mental illness strikes your marriage? Till then, remember ‘losing’ a battle does not mean losing the war! You were born to win.
Question: How has mental illness affected your marriage? Please feel free to share and bless someone. Thank you
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